I'm no longer working on AG2.
I've never been working on it for months anyway. It's still just about 10% completed.

I have so much things to do and I've decided to put that among the last important things to do at the moment. Not really motivated for that.

I doubt it may take years before it's even completely done. Unless I botch it.

So today i am returning to America. I dont want to go...  Monday i start going to classes...  but... maybe in december i will come to japan again. i hope.. so.. right now im a little sad.

kyo america ni kaeru. demo... honto kaeritakunai... getsuyoubi ni kurasu wa hajimeru. jaa.. tabun juunigatsu ni nihon ni kaeru. ima chooto kanashii.

thats it.. just a short entry today..  and yo... im mad sleepy so i like.. really need to get this packing started haha..  and i'll have to hurry up and finish.. otherwise.. the 20 hour trip is gonna be hardcore shitty... and i plan on studying on the plane and stuff because i have a lot of kanji, vocab and homework to catch up on (classes started last week).. and i'm already far behind on kanji..  which means theres even more studying i have to do this semester..      chikushou!

Few days ago , on my way home , i heard someone call my name in the street . so i stoped and looked around but didn't find any friends . Then one girl came to me and  repeated my name...i had to think over who she is ... so i hesitated to ask : high school ...? no reaction ...middle school? she shaked head...i really had no clue and wondered how this girl can know my name ...it's so weird ...she finally told me that we were primary school clasmate and talked other detials about my class! ...i was shocked and slowly belive she is really my classmate ...but how come ?  really no contact for so many years like ten years or more ? she still remember my name and look? or  my look is still alike ten years ago? hehehe, she say i dont have  much change...I really keep young look ? =P

Anyway, glad to meet an old classmate though we were not  close in the premiary school , wish its a good start for us to become  friends now^^

In fact,  it's not first time that i can't recognize my ex classmate ...hehe. When i lived  in the college,I met one boy on campus...he passed by and called my name , i  directly ask:  who are you ? even didnt guess more since i rarely talk with boys at school...he felt disappointed and left... then second time, i met him in the bakery ... he called my name again and really tried to recall my memory ... and for a while , i finally can call his name ,my junior middle school classmate...but still surprise ...we rarely talked in the class before and no contact after graduation....many years later, about five years, he still can recognize me? 

It's really a surprise that they can recoginize and call me after years  since I  was a quiet student  and even rarely talked with them in the class at all ...

I've uploaded a MV of Hitomi - Love 2000 just few days ago...
I already had near 2 500 views, only 5 ratings and 1 comment but 25 times favorited...

BANG! Gone due to copyright warnings... Avex is freaking active in Youtube. Their stuff are popular too...
Ahhh too bad for those who love Hitomi - Love 2000...

Anyway yeah I've been quiet with my blog, I no longer know what to write these days. So many things happened, but... very normal things so I rarely talk about normal things...

I should not forget about an important appointment at SAAQ to renew my ID cards on September 11th at 13PM (My cards have already expired HAHAHA but 6 months are given to renew them.)
Wow... on 9/11, what a coincidence... I just realize it here while I'm typing...

Other than that, nothing much so special. I became active in YouTube.

NPB: lol yeah i need to be more canuck. though.. i've never been to canada. Isnt that weird.. i've never even gone to Niagra.. but like, Canada is only a few hours away.. maybe like 10-15 by car??? i dunno.. but it cant be that far..  I mean.. Erie is in PA ... and thats borderline..   and going to Ohio only takes like 5 hours.. and going the whole way through maryland is like 4 hours...  But then again.. i've never gone to NYC either and thats only like 6 hours away.

AHAN: yeah. japan is sorta like, my life. it's the seed of most of my pride, the birthplace of my main interests (games, anime, music, japanese girls) and.. i love japanese girls..  and the ppl here are so kind.   i sorta.. cant help it haha.   

More about my Personal Character....
My Dream:
Live in japan
marry japanese girl
own a GTR
retire very young

..i dislike work. and my cousins are still mad at me for having "no passion" :(        i just.. havnt found anything that i like enough to be passionate about...     but maybe searching for a passion is an endless search for me.. and i more or less just have to pick something and settle for something i could tolerate for the rest of my career.

i at least decided to finish school... and i think, i'm going to try following the path of the english teacher. if i can get with the JET program.. then i can sign a 2 year contract and that'll be 2 years for me to try and pick up a girl and get a marriage visa :)     Right now.. one of my concerns is figuring out when i can return to japan.   I swear, living here, really helps my japanese.. because everyday i am learning new grammar, vocabulary and getting a lot of practice with sentence structures. so saying certain things and requiring literally no thought and no translation process anymore.
 
looks like we have... 4 frequent bloggers in AG now.. and taozi is pretty active with comments. I'd say the blog system isnt off to a bad start.  anyway.. its 4am and i have work tomorrow and shopping.. so i need to sleep... plus im super tired anyway..  Night


hmm.. passion... passion.... what the fuck do i like to do ..... what do i want to be the best at......

well.. i'm start my ranting now HAHAHAHAHA
i wouldn't do much of it in friendster blog because i do know some people who read those and well.. that wouldnt be personal, right? =P
especially when i've been posting mostly anime reviews and gfx there xD

aaanyway.. i'm a bit confuse right now
well.. am i confuse? or just feeling guilty? annoyed? totally pissed off? or i'm just out of my mind?
i'm not sure anymore

uni gonn starts in another few weeks more
it's all good but i'm thinking that.. is it worth spending lots of money on me?
would it be enough? how bout my family? am i a burden to them?
i'm so sure that i'm the most expensive kid my parents ever had
last year they spent around.. 10 000 pounds for the fees and accomodation
i try not to shop for stuffs that i dont need because surely living on the pocket money they gave me wouldnt last for even a month xD
but yeah.. till now i still have more than half of that pocket money

but but.. does it make a really big difference whether i use it or not?
i mean.. it's still not enough to cover my fees for this year and so on, right?
is it really a wise idea to just go with the plan? getting into that uni?

i was all excited knowing my foundation.. uhh the A level result
seriously.. it was better than what i expected and i thought.. i'd get a better chance to get the government scholarship
well.. life just wont turn out the way i want it to be

i accepted the offer to do MEng (4 years) instead of BEng (3 years) with the thought that i could get the scholarship easier
but guess what? it doesnt make any difference at all
if me.. i'll just go for the MEng
but.. i'm not sure if my parents would still have any left to support me during the final year which i bet would cost more
so dad was suggesting that i should just enrol for BEng, go back home and get a job, and ask the company or uni (if i'd be a lecturer) to support me for masters
well.. i dont know
i'm not against that plan.. but it is frustrating!
letting go of what i've already have in hand.. that's so frustrating!!
i do want to try something that i never know the outcome
i'd like to take the risk
i'd like to know just how far can i go and what is my limit

and if possible.. if i cant get any scholarship from my country (private or government sectors) i just dont want to come back home (working i mean)
think about it... why should i work for my country, help them, when i couldnt even get some help from them when i need them?
i know that i shouldn't blame them because there are lots of people who are queueing for the scholarships
but.. just how many people out of thousands in that list get offered to straight away doing masters? all? serious shit NO!

i'm still waiting for their reply stating whether i get the scholarship or not.. wait! i was applying for a loan not scholarship because they lied to me saying "oh! we don't send students to UK anymore" when i asked a friend of mine who is under the government scholarship whether his juniors would still be sent to UK or not.. he said YES! wtf?
i am qualified for the scholarship, right? and? how to reject me? by lying??!! wtf??!
.. or did i misunderstood something here? =.=
if loan.. i just need to pay back; i'm not gonna have to work for them unlike scholars
i'm fine either way but i'd prefer getting a scholarship
but i dont think it's gonna be possible
who knows if i'm in their black list of something HEH!

should i give up everything that i have got until now? and start again in any local uni?
i know 1 government uni that would accept me without looking at my A level result; the O level result would be more than enough
but i dont want to be stuck there
seriously no way!
i'm not really sure why but.. there are some things here that i want to run away from
i dont really remember what are those things.. but as far as i could remember, i just want to start my life all over again last year
i guess there were so many stuffs, so many people that pissed me off, that made me think of doing reckless things and wanted me to follow their way as if they are the one who's in charge of my life, my future
well.. i think i got sick of being that way, being all nice and keep all the anger to myself for the sake of pride; not suddenly go all crazy beating, saying whatever i want as a way of rebelling

i like the idea of starting things all over again, meeting new people and do as i like without caring about pride etc
would it matter anymore when i know whatever i do, it wont affect my parents pride? unlike when i'm here in my own country?
1 tiny mistake would be seen by all and it would be like.. the most bizarre thing ever? well.. that was what i learned from high school and i wished i was mixing with the wrong group where whatever wrong i do would be treated as something usual HEH!

when i was at mom's village, i met this one relative of mine (oh!! he's alive? HEH! i dont give a damn!)
one thing that you should know.. you just don't brag how good you are in front the others
i'm not saying that my cousins there aren't good enough, it's just that they don't try hard
so.. this uncle of mine.. he was asking where i'm studying at etc etc
and guess what? HE DIDNT CARE OF MY ANSWERS!
how did i know? he was asking the same thing twice!
you should just hear the way he talk! he was so full of himself!
and he was using english! i mean.. wtf was he thinking about? was he trying to brag that because his son studies oversea, he's trying to show off how good he is in english?
was he trying to look down on me as if i cant speak english at all? hello??!!! just who the hell does he think he is? some almighty? DUH!!!
i replied him in a sort of annoyed attitude..
well if only he's not that dumb to notice

and what pissed me off more was his look when i said i'm not sponsored by the government scholarships
he had the "i know you're dumb that's why your parents are paying it for you" look
WTF???!!! serious shit! i'd love to kick his thing!

do i have any reason to remain here?
to meet more annoying so called relatives? to be looked down at? to be treated as i dont have any value?


i dont want to study in local uni
i dont want to meet any of my relatives anymore
but.. isnt that like.. i'm being selfish? i'm burdening my parents, aren't i?

i know i'm old enough to get a part time job
but.. just what can i do?
i am getting serious about contests in DA which i'm aiming for the money price LOL
those aren't much but i guess it's better than nothing
well.. it's not that i'm winning each time
but it's worth to try

haizz i'm complaining a lot here, eh? EHEHEHEH

hrmm.. that feels great to rant after keeping it for days xD LOL

Okay.. so a couple Stunning Realizations and then.. just me thinking outloud about my life.. So this post may be a bit personal and a bit boring as well..    I advise one that really does not care, to please disregard this post. It's not really a post For anyone to read.. just a post for myself to Think.


on the way home, i was talking to my cousin and realized that i have no passion. there is nothing in my life that im truely passionate about. like.. what am i going to do after college? what is my degree even for? ... east asian studies? wtf am i going to do with that? maybe i should remain a japanese major but i really need to start taking my studies seriously.
 
7 days left in japan... i dont want go back to america. i mean.. my dream is to live in japan, marry a japanese girl, and own a GTR. and right now, i'm living part of that dream. i've made many friends. i've had so much fun.  Just waking up and knowing that i am in japan, makes me happy. Even if i dont do anything all day, i'm happy just because im here, and its going to come to an end. But.. in order to live in japan, i either need a long term visa (like a 3 year work visa) or a marriage visa. But how do i get married to a japanese girl? i'd have to be here for a while.. so maybe if i got an internship visa (i know france can get them.. but i dont know if internship visa exists between japan and america) But.. living in japan is expensive, and people here work very hard. my cousin is the owner of a Cake/Parfait string. He owns 6 shops in japan, and he still works. And when i say work, i mean he goes to work 6-7 days a week and puts in about 13 hours of work every day. and yes, he does this Every week. and everyone that works there, works 13 hour days and gets about.. 6 days off in a month. So thats 3 days off every 2 weeks. could you imagine working 78 hours a week? I'm an american... a full time job is 5 days a week 8 hour shifts.. or about 40 hours a week. Even when i was a Sales Representative and all i did was sit around and bullshit with people all day, i still did not like going to work. i have no passion. theres always something else i would rather do. You know.. probably the 2 things i like to do the most is play video games and sleep. Neither of which can be my profession. So i'd need to figure out how to generate enough money w/o working in order to do what i love to do everyday, which is play. Darts, billiards, drink, hang out, talk, video games, dancing, etc etc...  So really what kind a job generates enough money to live on, and yet requires little to no amount of time spent working?         So what do i really do?   Do i try to find a passion that i can spend many hours doing? or do i find something that i might dislike, but only takes a little of my time? 

And about the amount of work that the japanese HAve to do....   Would i rather live in japan and do alot of work.. or would i rather live in america and make enough money to come to japan often on vacation?

theres always the option of becoming a video game tester in california for a software company.. but that doesnt generate much money. i remember reading about it like 8 years ago and the average income was like 15k/year. You cant live on that... thats like a job for a rich person that has nothing to do so they're like.. hey i might as well get paid to play video games all day.

honestly, i dont know what i want to do... i dont know what i should do... and i dont know what path to take in life. I mean,.. its a big decision.. its my future. if i make the wrong choice, i could have a miserable life and lose all the optimism that i once had, and become a totally pessimistic person. and you know what happens with pessimists.. they end up alone and unhappy until they die. thats definitly not an option for me... we only get one life and i want to live it the way i want to. Unfortunatly, the laws of society are an obstacle that i need to figure out how to overcome. And i know that no matter what i choose to do, its going to take  a lot of work at some point.  ........Fucking A....

Toothpaste Warning

So i was taking a shower, and while i shower sometimes i brush my teeth. Because.. well.. In japanese showers there is a mirror and the entire bathroom is in fact the shower and a big drain in the floor so.. hey why not right? It's pretty common thing to do here actually. Anyway.. so i was brushing my teeth and i was looking at the toothpaste warnings. I'm using a medicated toothpaste called Sensodyne.. usually for people that have sensitive teeth but actually.. i use it because if i use other toothpastes i'll frequently get painful canker sores in my mouth.. which is caused by SLS (..um.. sodium lauryl sulfate) which is a chemical in most toothpastes that cause it to foam up..       ANyway... back to the technicality...   this toothpaste and i believe all other toothpastes have a warning that states... something along the lines of "if AcCidEntlY swallow more than normal amount used for brushing, to immediately contact poison control" or something similar to that.. but the thing that gets me.. is that it says "Accidently".  So... what are they trying to say here? If you Purposely swallow more tahn the normal amount.. then dont bother calling poison control? What if someone purposely swallows a bunch of it and then thinks.. *you know what... dieing isnt really worth it* but... hey, they swallowed it on purpose so.. too bad, ur not allowed to call poison control.. its only for accidents.  So why dont they just leave that word out? "if you swallow more than the .... call poison blah blah"  ... and it will get the same message across w/o barring dumb people taht do it on purpose.


Japanese Misunderstanding
So.. i was recently informed that in japanese.. if you dont understand something, you are to say "EH?"  and NOT say "HUH?" Supposedly, it is really rude to say HUH and you may really piss someone off if you say it to them.  Maybe for the Canucks like NPB that is not a problem ;) but.. for me.. thats a hard habit to break damnit!

Another thought about... Thoughts.

This is a short post but I was a bit curious.

What language do you speak in your Thoughts?
I mean.. mostly, when I am thinking.. I think in English.
BUt what about people that are bilingual, trilingual, multilingual...

Example: If you are very skilled in both English and Japanese... which language would you think in..
Lets say you are born in the US, so English is your native language, and when you are in the US.. your thoughts are in English... However, you are also very skilled and nearly fluent in Japanese too. Then you go on a trip to japan, and your surrounded by japanese language... Do you still Think in English, or do you start thinking in Japanese?  When you ask yourself "why?" ... would you instead ask yourself "doushite?"....

Have you ever been in a car accident? Did you ever think back at how... in reality it all happened in a few seconds... but as it happened, it felt like time slowed down to the point that everything seemed like it was moving in slow motion. And in this moment, your thoughts seem to be at the normal pace, and you can notice everything around you in such high detail, taking in as much information as you can and even having the time to think about it and analyze the situation to come to a decision. Have you ever thought about the relation between the time you Perceive and the thoughtss that you were able to do, versus the amount of time in reality. For instance, think about how many thoughts raced through your mind in that 10 second period, and compare that to how many thoughts Usually run through your head in a 10 second period...

So does that mean.. that the speed at which we THink, is the very basis of our judgement and perception of time? Because in both a Normal moment and the moment of panic from the accident.. your thoughts seem to be going the same speed. However... in the accident moment, time itself seems slower. So if time seems slower.. wouldnt that mean you thoughts are going Faster? So you see.. your perception is changed as the gap between the speed of your thoughts and "real time" is widened... but your mind interprets this change as.. a change around you.. which would mean that your brain perceives time using the speed of your thoughts as the absolute basis, or the scale for measurement if you will.

So is that why.. when you are busy doing things (things that actually take thought to execute, not subject to becoming "routine)... that time "flies" ??? And when your sitting around doing nothing, being bored...  time seems to go so slow because.. your not really thinking about much...

have you ever done something (commonly experienced when playing a game or something you enjoy so much that you can be completely enveloped within it, being totally ignorant of your surroundings) and Hours had passed.. but to you it felt like just minutes? ...

Personally, i can think of a lot of times that i was so deep into a video game, that 4-5 hours passed.. and to me it felt like just 30 minutes... Is this because you are Thinking so much and so hard that it causes your perception of time to change? .....

I'll have to think about this more later...      If anyone else wants to partake in a Philosophical discussion about this... feel free to comment.
(actually i just randomly came up with this idea like half an hour ago... and man... i think i've really hit onto something... but i'll admit.. its a bit confusing.. but i think if you think about it carefully, one may understand what im saying.. especially if they can relate it to their own personal experience...)