Oh this is my 2nd blog post from the same day just to leave one more thing...

Whoever subscribed to my posts, please unsubscribe... Private life here... :P
But please go subscribe to my youtube account NPBxk... I'll get back there with old videos I haven't uploaded since like 2 years ago. I'll also get back to make more videos once I'll find the big battery for the camera (my dad borrowed it and he's 62 years old so what can I say). Thank you.

And about my love life (again), to whoever thinks I should just leave Shiena for good just because it's now her true face, you guys are wrong. There are conditions around us that would make us different from time to time with the level of stress and patience we can absorb. Other than that, we can improve ourselves, learn more, discover more, have more experiences, etc.
She's the same person to me... she's just different because of her condition... and I, myself, feel different from my current condition as well. She was never "fake at first and then true face after". No! She has always been HERSELF. She has always been SINCERE, HONEST, OPEN, ETC. Like I said, it's the whole conditions around us that could sort of change us whether it's from school, work, home, etc (all combined). But those are not PERMANENT CHANGES. We can get back happy. The positive side is... We still love each other even more than the strong brightness of the sun. We just focus strongly on ourselves until we get back together, but this time, all well equipped together. Her, on herself, me, on myself and on my "almost handicapped" nerves damaged mom... We won't worry about each other for the moment. Maybe just as... special faithful close friends... We just keep ourselves FAITHFUL and PURE. No misadventure like I said. Only ourselves improving!

My mom's case won't last for years... I have feelings that it shouldn't be too long... It's been already over 2 years wasn't it? What's long is the wannabe end of the world (2012)... Worse, when I'll be 26 where I've been predicted as "Successful man". Hey isn't that weird? The prediction also said I'll be helping my parents a lot, which is kind of... what's happening in a way, isn't it? And nothing was mentionned about love years... :S
They couldn't predict further than that though. All what was predicted about love life was how extremely romantic our relation will be and how the described wife fits perfectly Shiena... and I really hope it is her... If it's not her, then it must be someone who looks too much like her... :(
And somehow my ambition is flaming for success... But I hope that success is way sooner than that please... :( *I'm demanding too much am I? :(*

I HOPE LIGHTS WILL ENLIGHTEN OUR PATHS AND REUNITE US BACK TOGETHER!
Just a little announcement: Whoever dares to kiss and do anything to Shiena will have me face them one day because my memory and hatred can live long against enemies. Take Marcus Yves as an example. And I'll just ban Shiena off my life since she was weak there.
So let's just hope none of that will happen. Because I'm excited to either live a good life, or kill those who ruined it. Pleasure on both side. Angel or Evil, whoever will win the future of my fate.

Weather: Currently dark outside, snowstorm afternoon.

I forgot where I could find this blog. I took it out of bookmarks and AG links because I felt like this service is no longer part of AG's plans. Even Google no longer has any of this in the search result I think. But I found the link from my memories. I knew it was "asianground" and then "blogsystem". All what was left was to try the whole .com, .net, etc... Well to be honest, I only thought of these two.

I guess this place is now hidden and underground. A place where I can scream out.
It's perfect if I ever become a well known character. I'll just free out thoughts here that I don't wanna free out in public.

What do I mean by well known character? Well... I wanna be popular for what I've done related to my projects... I also wanna have some fans again like the old time but I'm aiming for way more, but not only from the same things. I wanna aim for success where I'll meet so many people who could support me.

I won't involve my love life in there... but if people wanna know, I'll just make them know that my heart belongs to someone named Shiena. But for this, I won't only do that just to avoid dating around. I do that for faith, as long as Shiena still has faith in me with the promess we made. She knows that I will only lose faith in her if she takes away what I've always wanted from her. Her psychological and physical purity, with all the goals we've made together for the future.

So many things I don't want, but I have to accept. It's really painful. But that's part of life.
After some huge pain, here comes huge happiness... Let's not demand too much happiness here, although we want more, it's still a huge happiness already... We can't be overspoiled too much (and too soon). Gotta be conscious about it.
And after some huge happiness, here comes huge pain again... And we're wandering around looking for a way to rebuild happiness again. But in all these cycles, different things happen because we're learning, we're becoming stronger and stronger... Plus, we've built different paths nowhere too similar to what we dislike in our previous paths left behind. We wanna avoid pains again and we'll have more experiences to be prepared to avoid them nicely.

I've been to a longer relationship than this one... She did too... But this relation has been the best, deepest and serious one among all. It made us open our eyes widely a whole lot more. But it's, once again, a huge pain to discover things that may best be learned (and accepted) than being avoided.

I was already scared that she no longer belongs to me in a way (but only from her heart). Especially when the person said "Even if I'm with a guy, you will always be the one I love most in my heart". But... Isn't it something that happens so much to so many people who are not even 100% happy about their LOVE in marriage or their current partners? Which is why there are so many disturbing housewives (or JUST WIVES) who would sadly sneak out to get their "Romeo" while their current boyfriends / husbands are working their asses off to support them in life / society? Isn't that SICK? Same could be said to men, of course... I just hope I won't get there. Too disgusting. Some women are strong and faithful to stand on their own until their loved ones are ready to get them and marry them. They have way better chances to get a happy eternal faithful partner (unless their partner is an asshole). I admire that...
I really hope this is how Shiena takes it along with our promesses (She said she needs to learn to love herself more, she needs to feel better about herself)... Because to me, love doesn't exist if there's no faith in them.
I care too much for the pride of my future family. I want purity. She knows what I mean...

Friend: "If you really love her, you should go see her now before it's too late..."
Me: "What do you mean by too late?"
Friend: "She's in pain... Either you go see her or she will move on."
Me: "Well am I not in pain too? I also wanna see her, the only sad thing is I CAN'T, I'm not a big success yet, I'm still an equivalent of a student except I'm on my own projects! But not only that, but I have to take care of my mom + my own living and insurances at the moment! Otherwise I'd already have gone there to see her! All I needed was patience until my mom gets better enough to be on her own!"
Friend: "Well you told me she isn't patient. Maybe it's better to move on since you're both in a very difficult situation. But let's look it that way... She said she is gonna work on herself while still loving you, right? She doesn't wanna feel the pain in worrying about love, right? So this means you'll still have a chance to get her back in life..."
Me: "I hate to play with chances in love..."
Friend: "Weren't you a good aggressive poker player? You had a typical gambler style with your aggressiveness and you always won."
Me: "Cards don't change. Hearts don't change in cards. I can stay faithful to cards easily because I know they won't ever change. I know what to do when those cards belong to me. Shiena is an impatient person, she might even be unpredictable whenever she changes. Who knows what we'll get in the next months, probably dating around although she told me she won't. Out of impatience, she dared to drop me unexpectedly so who knows what's next? This is why I keep telling her to not betray her heart from now on but it's so hard because unlike cards, humans can change... Frightening part is... even their heart and taste can change. So their thoughts change along..."
Friend: "Didn't you say yourself you'd visit her?"
Me: "Yes... and I failed... I guess I've reached her limit of patience... No wonder she kept saying that it's too long... Thanks for reminding me. My life is so hard... Too many unexpected bad situations happened and I can't be a hero to all few people I care. If I don't fail here, I fail there... if I don't fail there, I fail here... I dunno what to cherrish... Scary decisions. I know Shiena is in pain as she needs me so badly. Which is why she'd rather find something to distract herself away from love by focusing on working on herself more, such as losing weight, finishing studies, etc before thinking about getting back to love again, and that love is already reserved by me. I just hope it's true and she won't go having misadventure around."

The sad thing is... I'm scared of myself... I make too many bad imaginations when I'm down like this, I should just stop!
What's scary is... I'm always in pain if I still talk to her... And out of pain, I annoy her by still mentionning about things that would make us both cry (our good memories). Unlike her who wouldn't mind still talking to me, like nothing happened. But we STILL have the same goal, living together, married. Confusing to me... The other scary thing is if I avoid her until I feel sooo much better, there's a big chance that I'll be having a black heart. Looking at my previous relationships, I think all my EX-girlfriends could tell that I turn cruel after avoiding them. The truth is... I managed to PERMANENTLY lose feelings towards them that easily already. This is the cruel side of me that I'm scared to develop while I'm avoiding Shiena. But the thing is, I don't know how strong this cruel side can develop itself against my best relationship ever. It is so humane that love fades away when we avoid each others. What's in me is more like a demon that is waking up. This is probably how I was already full of hatred, cold, cruel, etc against my ex. Took quite long for me to accept to talk to them as "friends", but the kind of friends I may be too lazy to talk to (or put less importance since I'm a busy person)... The funny thing is, I remember when they all still had feelings for me in a way (not at the same time, of course), and few of them still tried to get slowly back with me. I gotta tell in advance... This compliment is not even impressing me anymore: "You're the best guy I've ever known. I will never forget about you in my heart."... Because I swear, I turn DEVIL ON YOU. And why some girls are still masochist at it? Like "Oh my god stop it, you're not a devil, I know you!" well fuck you because I'll still be a devil on you! I'm just probably an angle to my close friends, family and love. Don't get me wrong in this case, I still wanna be Shiena's angel... :( Our promesses were special and I still take it at heart... Just that I have to fight my evil side, which is strong and scary of myself...

BUT HOW!?!?!

This is the same devil who makes me known as a PSYCHO (HAHAHA YEAH BITCH *PSYCHO MODE ALREADY*).
Where did I develop my coldness and how to be cold instantly you ask? Training in my agency's paramilitary.
I resigned and became poor (enough to live by myself and support my mom). But I resigned because of the high risks I got in the next steps. I also have another reason... I resigned so I could focus on learning more about BUSINESS and developping them all by myself. I have nothing to prove you guys... But I DO WANNA PROVE you (well, people who know me well in person already got proofs).
I wanna prove I'm not bullshitting about where I got all my dark skills. Hacking + Criminology+sciences+medic+etc + Assassination tactics and skills? I'm now a former part of that. I wanna be a well known inspiration now. A business man with his own unique success.

But while I'm down like right now, I feel like... Why not heading back to training and then finally accept what they asked me for? Since they need me so badly and I just told them to fuck off? The thing is, I feel like a lot of them are still there and they're just gonna make fun of me hah... I guess I gotta expect it if I make my decision to go back there. It's not even a year yet since I last told them to fuck off. I was too deep in love and in future plans.

Maybe to let some steams off, I'd get back there just for the risky mission? I may die there but who cares. I'll get paid a lot again with service supports from the government...

Blah... But then again, I wouldn't be moving forward with my business projects which is very important for my future... It's all for the peace and happiness... Nothing to worry about... Free from stress... And I care about my future... Arrrgh... So tough...

I don't care... I'll live my life back like a lone wolf... Whatever is there is there, whatever comes back comes back, whatever is done is done... But my heart will still belong to Shiena, although... Although I may be forced to take my heart away from her someday... But this would only happen if she broke our promesse about the future.

For now, I'm trying to get used to be single AND I got to (not trying, but I GOT TO) keep the promesse alive because we wanna get married together later. She wants to be my wife, she wants to be my pretty wife. And I want to be her husband. Tavanh and Shiena. Doesn't it look great? Our names look so good together... :( EVERYTHING looks so good together.
We just gotta keep our promesses alive. We must stay pure until then. No other love/sex/whatever should interfeer. Only us will claim each other's purity away. :D
Forever Shiena. Faith and trust.