When you're in a relationship for quite a long time and that you've been very very very faithful to it, and then you suddenly lose that precious person, even after months, even after having no feelings at all for that person, you still feel like it's very hard to believe you're now single. It's like you're not meant to be someone single. It's like you still think you have a girl (well I'm a guy so that's why I say "girl" and I'll keep it that way). It's like... You still feel like you're gonna take care of that girl and make her happy and loved... It's like you don't wanna flirt any other girls around because you've been too faithful.

Flirting pretty girls is very tempting when we know we're single. Which is why I keep telling myself "Hey, what kind of idiot am I, I'm single now... I don't need to restrain myself for an imaginary girl who doesn't even exist".
I'm free... Every morning, I gotta keep telling myself, I'M FREE! FREE FROM LOVE! FREE TO DO ANYTHING I WANT.

Few days ago... Few days ago I dreamed about my ex (Shiena) for 3 nights in a row... People would think I still have feelings for her just because I dreamed about her... But no... I just have memories of her. I kinda miss her... But I don't even love her one bit. Digging deeper at it, all what I've been missing about her was just how she was to me before turning into an unpleasant girl thinking only about money. And for that, it's stupid of me to miss her... Because as everybody says, she has shown her true face... But personally, I know she's not a bitch... She just had to turn into one lately before being back to her true happy self again later. And for that, I had to turn into an asshole and take my money back and push her away. I appreciate that she pushes herself away as well (by deleting all contacts with me). Unlike my other ex-girlfriends who would always try to come back to me annoyingly even when I act like an asshole to push them away.

I've been hanging out with more girls... They're "new" to me although I knew them long ago. I just knew them like "Hello" for months... I'd like to hang out with even newer friends...
Until I find the faithful one for me just like I said in my previous post (she has to be Canadian).
From what I've seen, I do believe there are prettier/cuter girls out there, in better shape and more interesting than Shiena. Way more better than Shiena.
I know it, because I've been told by many guys and girls, friends and strangers.

I haven't been seriously DATING yet... But I've been with interesting girls...
I've never used text message before I met Shiena. So now that she's gone and I'm single and free, I've let other girls have my number. It actually scares me that the way these girls write sometimes remind me a lot of Shiena... Scary sometimes I even have to look at the number to make sure hahaha although I know it cannot be Shiena... But it really makes me happy... :) Happy that I'm about to move on to another path in relationship whether it's friendship or love. I feel so... so much free... Freedom is around me...

I'm NPB... Free to do anything when I'm single... As long as they're not stupid things and misadventurous.

The reason why I write this is more because...
Because of my dream last night...
I dreamed I have met a girl... She was so pretty and charming... It was quick how we got so interested in each others like as if we could already turn into a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship the next day...

It looked so beautiful... I have charmed her with my efforts haha... I surprised her and made her so shocked and even happier... It looked so real...
But I woke up with disappointment... :(
Who was that girl anyway... Never seen her before, yet I can still clearly see her face... She was so pretty...
I was happy as hell because we clicked too perfectly... Ahhh a dream can make this too perfect to be true haha...

My preference through all my love experience is... an asian girl who speaks english... Shiena was the one who made me so open in speaking English with a girl (I was usually shy and I still am). Because my main language is French... I only spoke English with my male friends who I rarely spoke to, every day or week...

English kinda turns me on... :D

I also gotta make sure if the girl stays in Canada... ;)

That girl... now my ex...
I'm over it... I told her I won't keep up with this. I'll find a better girl. I know I deserve better. It was my feeling that has been fooling me. The feeling that made me like her.
This feeling is gone now. Completely gone. I feel nothing for her.

But why is she still being kind to me like that? What she has done is terrible to me. It's unforgivable. I thank her though for telling me the truth that because of distance, she's too hurt and now she'd rather break up. But I won't follow her wish of wanting me back as her future. Why? Because she has already found another guy. I'm not gonna keep any hope with her.

She keeps being kind, although she's now with another guy. She keeps telling me I'm still in her heart.
Blah. I don't get this because honestly, I cannot be with a girl when someone else is still in my heart. I wanna be pure and faithful! I expect the same from the girl I love or hold in my heart.
She's with a guy now, then she'd better stick with that guy and move on with him. It's actually sick to be with one guy and having another guy she wants to marry (me). Fuck this, seriously haha! Pathetic... It was already pathetic before, now, it's like overkill.

Basically, she disgusts me. That helped me not wanting anything about her being kept in my heart anymore. It's over. And because of this, for her own good, I'd rather look like a pure asshole to her than a perfect guy. Just her. I don't care what she says to her friends. I finished it off in a hell way, bad manner. Not in a heroic way. I tried to make her hate me. It worked. I warned her, I'm evil. Evil to those who hurt me the most. Angel to those who I care. Breaking up hurts me. I thought it was fair... reasons were fair... But she's now with a guy who, I assume, they were together before we broke up. All because of distance. I felt vengeance rising inside of me. Punishment. What I did was... I took all my money support back from her. I basically just took back the money I gave her when I believed in her.
She can be pissed all she wants. I don't care...
She sounded too materialistic lately. Only money would make her talk.

I've learned a lesson in life.
It's too hard for me to follow a girl who's outside of Canada. Too much paper works... And the girl is basically too weak to keep up with me. I can't trust any girl outside of Canada anymore. I don't believe in their love faith in distance anymore. I should be careful when I meet international students here in Canada. I should know if they will stay here or not (if I'm interested in them). Otherwise, I'd rather stay friends with them rather than digging deeper.
The only love distance I can accept and trust is the one inside of Canada. No need of crazy paper works with permanent residence and citizenship craps. In other words, I gotta have a lover inside of Canada from now on.
I know there's sooo plenty of good girls available here...

I can follow any girl who's local because my job is flexible (especially future job).
Anyhow, it won't be easy... So I just... Look around and keep doing what I gotta do... I'm just 22 after all, right? No need to rush in love...

It's been over a month after the break up, and as everyone know, I get over my past love so quick. Yes, one month was enough for me. But I still hold memories from my ex... But those memories don't connect with my feelings (heart) anymore... I can just remember... from my mind, I remember all that... It was beautiful to me... But I'm happier where I am now. So much happier. I'm so positive there's a better girl for my life... For now, I'm free. Free to do whatever I want. But if I ever find a girl, I'm ready... I'm ready because I made sure I no longer have feelings for my ex. I gotta make sure I'm not looking for a rebound. I gotta make sure I'm clean and pure. This is so that I could start everything new with my new important person. And I could fully focus on her. :)

I'll post the link of my new blog later. But that blog will be WAY more cleaner than this one. It will be related to my projects and stuff.
Whoever finds me here, through google, don't forget...
I'm
NPBundercover
NPBxk
NPB
XK Shiraz