When you're in a relationship for quite a long time and that you've been very very very faithful to it, and then you suddenly lose that precious person, even after months, even after having no feelings at all for that person, you still feel like it's very hard to believe you're now single. It's like you're not meant to be someone single. It's like you still think you have a girl (well I'm a guy so that's why I say "girl" and I'll keep it that way). It's like... You still feel like you're gonna take care of that girl and make her happy and loved... It's like you don't wanna flirt any other girls around because you've been too faithful.

Flirting pretty girls is very tempting when we know we're single. Which is why I keep telling myself "Hey, what kind of idiot am I, I'm single now... I don't need to restrain myself for an imaginary girl who doesn't even exist".
I'm free... Every morning, I gotta keep telling myself, I'M FREE! FREE FROM LOVE! FREE TO DO ANYTHING I WANT.

Few days ago... Few days ago I dreamed about my ex (Shiena) for 3 nights in a row... People would think I still have feelings for her just because I dreamed about her... But no... I just have memories of her. I kinda miss her... But I don't even love her one bit. Digging deeper at it, all what I've been missing about her was just how she was to me before turning into an unpleasant girl thinking only about money. And for that, it's stupid of me to miss her... Because as everybody says, she has shown her true face... But personally, I know she's not a bitch... She just had to turn into one lately before being back to her true happy self again later. And for that, I had to turn into an asshole and take my money back and push her away. I appreciate that she pushes herself away as well (by deleting all contacts with me). Unlike my other ex-girlfriends who would always try to come back to me annoyingly even when I act like an asshole to push them away.

I've been hanging out with more girls... They're "new" to me although I knew them long ago. I just knew them like "Hello" for months... I'd like to hang out with even newer friends...
Until I find the faithful one for me just like I said in my previous post (she has to be Canadian).
From what I've seen, I do believe there are prettier/cuter girls out there, in better shape and more interesting than Shiena. Way more better than Shiena.
I know it, because I've been told by many guys and girls, friends and strangers.

I haven't been seriously DATING yet... But I've been with interesting girls...
I've never used text message before I met Shiena. So now that she's gone and I'm single and free, I've let other girls have my number. It actually scares me that the way these girls write sometimes remind me a lot of Shiena... Scary sometimes I even have to look at the number to make sure hahaha although I know it cannot be Shiena... But it really makes me happy... :) Happy that I'm about to move on to another path in relationship whether it's friendship or love. I feel so... so much free... Freedom is around me...

I'm NPB... Free to do anything when I'm single... As long as they're not stupid things and misadventurous.

The reason why I write this is more because...
Because of my dream last night...
I dreamed I have met a girl... She was so pretty and charming... It was quick how we got so interested in each others like as if we could already turn into a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship the next day...

It looked so beautiful... I have charmed her with my efforts haha... I surprised her and made her so shocked and even happier... It looked so real...
But I woke up with disappointment... :(
Who was that girl anyway... Never seen her before, yet I can still clearly see her face... She was so pretty...
I was happy as hell because we clicked too perfectly... Ahhh a dream can make this too perfect to be true haha...

My preference through all my love experience is... an asian girl who speaks english... Shiena was the one who made me so open in speaking English with a girl (I was usually shy and I still am). Because my main language is French... I only spoke English with my male friends who I rarely spoke to, every day or week...

English kinda turns me on... :D

I also gotta make sure if the girl stays in Canada... ;)

That girl... now my ex...
I'm over it... I told her I won't keep up with this. I'll find a better girl. I know I deserve better. It was my feeling that has been fooling me. The feeling that made me like her.
This feeling is gone now. Completely gone. I feel nothing for her.

But why is she still being kind to me like that? What she has done is terrible to me. It's unforgivable. I thank her though for telling me the truth that because of distance, she's too hurt and now she'd rather break up. But I won't follow her wish of wanting me back as her future. Why? Because she has already found another guy. I'm not gonna keep any hope with her.

She keeps being kind, although she's now with another guy. She keeps telling me I'm still in her heart.
Blah. I don't get this because honestly, I cannot be with a girl when someone else is still in my heart. I wanna be pure and faithful! I expect the same from the girl I love or hold in my heart.
She's with a guy now, then she'd better stick with that guy and move on with him. It's actually sick to be with one guy and having another guy she wants to marry (me). Fuck this, seriously haha! Pathetic... It was already pathetic before, now, it's like overkill.

Basically, she disgusts me. That helped me not wanting anything about her being kept in my heart anymore. It's over. And because of this, for her own good, I'd rather look like a pure asshole to her than a perfect guy. Just her. I don't care what she says to her friends. I finished it off in a hell way, bad manner. Not in a heroic way. I tried to make her hate me. It worked. I warned her, I'm evil. Evil to those who hurt me the most. Angel to those who I care. Breaking up hurts me. I thought it was fair... reasons were fair... But she's now with a guy who, I assume, they were together before we broke up. All because of distance. I felt vengeance rising inside of me. Punishment. What I did was... I took all my money support back from her. I basically just took back the money I gave her when I believed in her.
She can be pissed all she wants. I don't care...
She sounded too materialistic lately. Only money would make her talk.

I've learned a lesson in life.
It's too hard for me to follow a girl who's outside of Canada. Too much paper works... And the girl is basically too weak to keep up with me. I can't trust any girl outside of Canada anymore. I don't believe in their love faith in distance anymore. I should be careful when I meet international students here in Canada. I should know if they will stay here or not (if I'm interested in them). Otherwise, I'd rather stay friends with them rather than digging deeper.
The only love distance I can accept and trust is the one inside of Canada. No need of crazy paper works with permanent residence and citizenship craps. In other words, I gotta have a lover inside of Canada from now on.
I know there's sooo plenty of good girls available here...

I can follow any girl who's local because my job is flexible (especially future job).
Anyhow, it won't be easy... So I just... Look around and keep doing what I gotta do... I'm just 22 after all, right? No need to rush in love...

It's been over a month after the break up, and as everyone know, I get over my past love so quick. Yes, one month was enough for me. But I still hold memories from my ex... But those memories don't connect with my feelings (heart) anymore... I can just remember... from my mind, I remember all that... It was beautiful to me... But I'm happier where I am now. So much happier. I'm so positive there's a better girl for my life... For now, I'm free. Free to do whatever I want. But if I ever find a girl, I'm ready... I'm ready because I made sure I no longer have feelings for my ex. I gotta make sure I'm not looking for a rebound. I gotta make sure I'm clean and pure. This is so that I could start everything new with my new important person. And I could fully focus on her. :)

I'll post the link of my new blog later. But that blog will be WAY more cleaner than this one. It will be related to my projects and stuff.
Whoever finds me here, through google, don't forget...
I'm
NPBundercover
NPBxk
NPB
XK Shiraz

I've already been working on AG2 because I expected AG forum to be down once it became more populated.
Don't worry people, things will return in a new concept. All what was in AG forum are kept as backup offline.

AG will return but not in forum yet. It will be stuck with AG2 for a while and then a forum will be made. The forum will be independent this time. We won't rely on any service.
The thing is, we gotta change some concept and keep the fun. The concept is... we gotta keep it legal despite the fact that we will be under no terms of violation craps. There's still some laws out there in industry/business/marketing. Which is why the organization welcomed a lawyer so he could help us on what's best and what could work by the laws.

We no longer want to remain underground. We want to be known, professional and organized now. Time for a new step for AG! Every big names have been through this path so let's do it!

Leave any comment (with questions if you want) and I'll reply.

Who's the pervert? There isn't supposed to be any viewers!!!
This is my ranting blog!

Anyway... That just got me an idea how to attract more fans when I'm ready to be popular.
I should title it, "Penis is Vagina".
But then I should really talk about it. I should find a nice tricky topic about it.

Naaah just kidding. But yeah I need to find some attractive titles.
By the way, the ads were about Love Finders. So they were not that nasty.

Hmmm ok so whoever reads this, stick around with my projects.
Go to AsianGround forum for some updates.

It felt so assuring last night when she popped out of nowhere to tell me to go sleep. She said it the very sweet way. I miss it so much! It shows that she still has me in her heart. It shows that she still cares. It made me feel so good, I was finally able to sleep happily.
Although the saddest part was... we couldn't say "I love you". :(

I hope it goes on like this. She's always gonna be the one I love, although she can't love me back and have to focus on herself before loving me back again.
I just hope everything I see from her isn't bad. If they look bad, I just hope they were illusions, as she told me that I shouldn't take everything she does badly. I gotta believe her. I have faith. I'm the most faithful. I won't be selfish for her, and I hope she won't be selfish either, because she explained to me what would make her selfish.

I really hope she keeps her words. Because I take every words of her at heart.
I'll always love you Shiena.

Penis in vagina
Penis in vagina
Penis in vagina

Let's see what the ads will get for these words.

Being traumatized amazingly keeps me awake more than anything else. Not even coffee can do that. Not even close.

Oh this is my 2nd blog post from the same day just to leave one more thing...

Whoever subscribed to my posts, please unsubscribe... Private life here... :P
But please go subscribe to my youtube account NPBxk... I'll get back there with old videos I haven't uploaded since like 2 years ago. I'll also get back to make more videos once I'll find the big battery for the camera (my dad borrowed it and he's 62 years old so what can I say). Thank you.

And about my love life (again), to whoever thinks I should just leave Shiena for good just because it's now her true face, you guys are wrong. There are conditions around us that would make us different from time to time with the level of stress and patience we can absorb. Other than that, we can improve ourselves, learn more, discover more, have more experiences, etc.
She's the same person to me... she's just different because of her condition... and I, myself, feel different from my current condition as well. She was never "fake at first and then true face after". No! She has always been HERSELF. She has always been SINCERE, HONEST, OPEN, ETC. Like I said, it's the whole conditions around us that could sort of change us whether it's from school, work, home, etc (all combined). But those are not PERMANENT CHANGES. We can get back happy. The positive side is... We still love each other even more than the strong brightness of the sun. We just focus strongly on ourselves until we get back together, but this time, all well equipped together. Her, on herself, me, on myself and on my "almost handicapped" nerves damaged mom... We won't worry about each other for the moment. Maybe just as... special faithful close friends... We just keep ourselves FAITHFUL and PURE. No misadventure like I said. Only ourselves improving!

My mom's case won't last for years... I have feelings that it shouldn't be too long... It's been already over 2 years wasn't it? What's long is the wannabe end of the world (2012)... Worse, when I'll be 26 where I've been predicted as "Successful man". Hey isn't that weird? The prediction also said I'll be helping my parents a lot, which is kind of... what's happening in a way, isn't it? And nothing was mentionned about love years... :S
They couldn't predict further than that though. All what was predicted about love life was how extremely romantic our relation will be and how the described wife fits perfectly Shiena... and I really hope it is her... If it's not her, then it must be someone who looks too much like her... :(
And somehow my ambition is flaming for success... But I hope that success is way sooner than that please... :( *I'm demanding too much am I? :(*

I HOPE LIGHTS WILL ENLIGHTEN OUR PATHS AND REUNITE US BACK TOGETHER!
Just a little announcement: Whoever dares to kiss and do anything to Shiena will have me face them one day because my memory and hatred can live long against enemies. Take Marcus Yves as an example. And I'll just ban Shiena off my life since she was weak there.
So let's just hope none of that will happen. Because I'm excited to either live a good life, or kill those who ruined it. Pleasure on both side. Angel or Evil, whoever will win the future of my fate.

Weather: Currently dark outside, snowstorm afternoon.

I forgot where I could find this blog. I took it out of bookmarks and AG links because I felt like this service is no longer part of AG's plans. Even Google no longer has any of this in the search result I think. But I found the link from my memories. I knew it was "asianground" and then "blogsystem". All what was left was to try the whole .com, .net, etc... Well to be honest, I only thought of these two.

I guess this place is now hidden and underground. A place where I can scream out.
It's perfect if I ever become a well known character. I'll just free out thoughts here that I don't wanna free out in public.

What do I mean by well known character? Well... I wanna be popular for what I've done related to my projects... I also wanna have some fans again like the old time but I'm aiming for way more, but not only from the same things. I wanna aim for success where I'll meet so many people who could support me.

I won't involve my love life in there... but if people wanna know, I'll just make them know that my heart belongs to someone named Shiena. But for this, I won't only do that just to avoid dating around. I do that for faith, as long as Shiena still has faith in me with the promess we made. She knows that I will only lose faith in her if she takes away what I've always wanted from her. Her psychological and physical purity, with all the goals we've made together for the future.

So many things I don't want, but I have to accept. It's really painful. But that's part of life.
After some huge pain, here comes huge happiness... Let's not demand too much happiness here, although we want more, it's still a huge happiness already... We can't be overspoiled too much (and too soon). Gotta be conscious about it.
And after some huge happiness, here comes huge pain again... And we're wandering around looking for a way to rebuild happiness again. But in all these cycles, different things happen because we're learning, we're becoming stronger and stronger... Plus, we've built different paths nowhere too similar to what we dislike in our previous paths left behind. We wanna avoid pains again and we'll have more experiences to be prepared to avoid them nicely.

I've been to a longer relationship than this one... She did too... But this relation has been the best, deepest and serious one among all. It made us open our eyes widely a whole lot more. But it's, once again, a huge pain to discover things that may best be learned (and accepted) than being avoided.

I was already scared that she no longer belongs to me in a way (but only from her heart). Especially when the person said "Even if I'm with a guy, you will always be the one I love most in my heart". But... Isn't it something that happens so much to so many people who are not even 100% happy about their LOVE in marriage or their current partners? Which is why there are so many disturbing housewives (or JUST WIVES) who would sadly sneak out to get their "Romeo" while their current boyfriends / husbands are working their asses off to support them in life / society? Isn't that SICK? Same could be said to men, of course... I just hope I won't get there. Too disgusting. Some women are strong and faithful to stand on their own until their loved ones are ready to get them and marry them. They have way better chances to get a happy eternal faithful partner (unless their partner is an asshole). I admire that...
I really hope this is how Shiena takes it along with our promesses (She said she needs to learn to love herself more, she needs to feel better about herself)... Because to me, love doesn't exist if there's no faith in them.
I care too much for the pride of my future family. I want purity. She knows what I mean...

Friend: "If you really love her, you should go see her now before it's too late..."
Me: "What do you mean by too late?"
Friend: "She's in pain... Either you go see her or she will move on."
Me: "Well am I not in pain too? I also wanna see her, the only sad thing is I CAN'T, I'm not a big success yet, I'm still an equivalent of a student except I'm on my own projects! But not only that, but I have to take care of my mom + my own living and insurances at the moment! Otherwise I'd already have gone there to see her! All I needed was patience until my mom gets better enough to be on her own!"
Friend: "Well you told me she isn't patient. Maybe it's better to move on since you're both in a very difficult situation. But let's look it that way... She said she is gonna work on herself while still loving you, right? She doesn't wanna feel the pain in worrying about love, right? So this means you'll still have a chance to get her back in life..."
Me: "I hate to play with chances in love..."
Friend: "Weren't you a good aggressive poker player? You had a typical gambler style with your aggressiveness and you always won."
Me: "Cards don't change. Hearts don't change in cards. I can stay faithful to cards easily because I know they won't ever change. I know what to do when those cards belong to me. Shiena is an impatient person, she might even be unpredictable whenever she changes. Who knows what we'll get in the next months, probably dating around although she told me she won't. Out of impatience, she dared to drop me unexpectedly so who knows what's next? This is why I keep telling her to not betray her heart from now on but it's so hard because unlike cards, humans can change... Frightening part is... even their heart and taste can change. So their thoughts change along..."
Friend: "Didn't you say yourself you'd visit her?"
Me: "Yes... and I failed... I guess I've reached her limit of patience... No wonder she kept saying that it's too long... Thanks for reminding me. My life is so hard... Too many unexpected bad situations happened and I can't be a hero to all few people I care. If I don't fail here, I fail there... if I don't fail there, I fail here... I dunno what to cherrish... Scary decisions. I know Shiena is in pain as she needs me so badly. Which is why she'd rather find something to distract herself away from love by focusing on working on herself more, such as losing weight, finishing studies, etc before thinking about getting back to love again, and that love is already reserved by me. I just hope it's true and she won't go having misadventure around."

The sad thing is... I'm scared of myself... I make too many bad imaginations when I'm down like this, I should just stop!
What's scary is... I'm always in pain if I still talk to her... And out of pain, I annoy her by still mentionning about things that would make us both cry (our good memories). Unlike her who wouldn't mind still talking to me, like nothing happened. But we STILL have the same goal, living together, married. Confusing to me... The other scary thing is if I avoid her until I feel sooo much better, there's a big chance that I'll be having a black heart. Looking at my previous relationships, I think all my EX-girlfriends could tell that I turn cruel after avoiding them. The truth is... I managed to PERMANENTLY lose feelings towards them that easily already. This is the cruel side of me that I'm scared to develop while I'm avoiding Shiena. But the thing is, I don't know how strong this cruel side can develop itself against my best relationship ever. It is so humane that love fades away when we avoid each others. What's in me is more like a demon that is waking up. This is probably how I was already full of hatred, cold, cruel, etc against my ex. Took quite long for me to accept to talk to them as "friends", but the kind of friends I may be too lazy to talk to (or put less importance since I'm a busy person)... The funny thing is, I remember when they all still had feelings for me in a way (not at the same time, of course), and few of them still tried to get slowly back with me. I gotta tell in advance... This compliment is not even impressing me anymore: "You're the best guy I've ever known. I will never forget about you in my heart."... Because I swear, I turn DEVIL ON YOU. And why some girls are still masochist at it? Like "Oh my god stop it, you're not a devil, I know you!" well fuck you because I'll still be a devil on you! I'm just probably an angle to my close friends, family and love. Don't get me wrong in this case, I still wanna be Shiena's angel... :( Our promesses were special and I still take it at heart... Just that I have to fight my evil side, which is strong and scary of myself...

BUT HOW!?!?!

This is the same devil who makes me known as a PSYCHO (HAHAHA YEAH BITCH *PSYCHO MODE ALREADY*).
Where did I develop my coldness and how to be cold instantly you ask? Training in my agency's paramilitary.
I resigned and became poor (enough to live by myself and support my mom). But I resigned because of the high risks I got in the next steps. I also have another reason... I resigned so I could focus on learning more about BUSINESS and developping them all by myself. I have nothing to prove you guys... But I DO WANNA PROVE you (well, people who know me well in person already got proofs).
I wanna prove I'm not bullshitting about where I got all my dark skills. Hacking + Criminology+sciences+medic+etc + Assassination tactics and skills? I'm now a former part of that. I wanna be a well known inspiration now. A business man with his own unique success.

But while I'm down like right now, I feel like... Why not heading back to training and then finally accept what they asked me for? Since they need me so badly and I just told them to fuck off? The thing is, I feel like a lot of them are still there and they're just gonna make fun of me hah... I guess I gotta expect it if I make my decision to go back there. It's not even a year yet since I last told them to fuck off. I was too deep in love and in future plans.

Maybe to let some steams off, I'd get back there just for the risky mission? I may die there but who cares. I'll get paid a lot again with service supports from the government...

Blah... But then again, I wouldn't be moving forward with my business projects which is very important for my future... It's all for the peace and happiness... Nothing to worry about... Free from stress... And I care about my future... Arrrgh... So tough...

I don't care... I'll live my life back like a lone wolf... Whatever is there is there, whatever comes back comes back, whatever is done is done... But my heart will still belong to Shiena, although... Although I may be forced to take my heart away from her someday... But this would only happen if she broke our promesse about the future.

For now, I'm trying to get used to be single AND I got to (not trying, but I GOT TO) keep the promesse alive because we wanna get married together later. She wants to be my wife, she wants to be my pretty wife. And I want to be her husband. Tavanh and Shiena. Doesn't it look great? Our names look so good together... :( EVERYTHING looks so good together.
We just gotta keep our promesses alive. We must stay pure until then. No other love/sex/whatever should interfeer. Only us will claim each other's purity away. :D
Forever Shiena. Faith and trust.

Do I have to do everything? Sure... I'm a leader, am I? I'm not being bossy. There are things you gotta do if you wanna get certain income! I have a lot of things to handle myself! Fuck!