Keiko's Blog

hey ^^

how are you guys?
it feels like ages since i last visited this site OOPS! xD
blame uni though =P
i'm having tests like every week now xD

and i'm having 1 test tomorrow and a day after that LOL
how hectic! xD xD

anyway.. it's 2? 3? weeks before christmas break! WEEE~
i really in need of a break!
a lot of catch up need to be done (maybe? or have i covered most things already in preparation for tests? xD)
and i want to have lots of fun! =D (anime? website? photoshop?) hehe

lots of thing planned =D
i cant wait for the tests to end xD

anyway.. just stopping by saying heeeeyyyy ^^ LOL

might pop up again when i'm having my break LOL
later folks!

4 weeks to go before christmas break? or so i heard
well it doesn't matter xD

anyway, it's a bit chaotic right now LOL
every week there would be a test
URGHH!!!

this week would be for programming
i'm hoping to do well
if not.. well i dont know =/
xD

next week.. math
the week after.. programming test again

ROFL

too much tests, more time to freak out LOL

but anyway, uni's fun xD (apart from being so damn busy)
i need to socialize more HAHA :P

i'm a student rep now WEEE~
it's not pain in the ass at all 0_0 LOL
and i think i'm enjoying it since i get to know people and stuffs xD
fun fun ^^

but well.. i think some people are using me =/
oh well
whatever with that one xD

oh btw.. i got myself back into anime xD
NYEHEEHEHEHEH
hayate no gotoku is totally awesome!
kodomo no jikan is eww? loli? xD xD

and.. i got myself back into photoshop =D
currently trying to be good in lineart ^^
super in love with the pen tool!!
it's aw-so-em xD

anyway, enough babbling *no ranting this time*
gotta get back revising programming (1 question left! YES!)
and start playing around with multisim (the best thing ever! xD)

take care people!

yep i'm here to rant again LOL

i am feeling like crying right now LOL
well.. i could cry now HAHA but.. well i dont know it just seems weird to suddenly cry while doing math, dont you think? xD
i guess the pressure has really gotten into me xD

it's nothing really big, seriously it shouldn't be anything serious but i just cant help but to worry about it xD
i worry too much! geh!

let see.. i have math test this thursday (and i am preparing for it right now) cuz i didn't have time to revise during the weekend =/ (programming took 6 hours i guess; so i had to stay up on friday, saturday morning, i slacked a bit but was learning electronic systems which a few questions took forever since it becomes very confusing =/ and i slept early that night because i was too exhausted that i can't even sit right =/ sunday.. i was revising telecomunication and internet protocols + application which i've done covering only 3 chapters =/ 5 + 3 chapters more before this wed - since i went to the lecturer and said "i actually can't fully understand about the communication systems and she was like.. ookay, meet me this wed and i'll answer any questions you have..
sunday night; doing electronic systems tutorial work again and then did the example of test sheet 1)

i want a proper weekend! where i can just sit here, staring at the monitor, photoshop something!!
not studying my ass off like weekdays!!

yeah i'm complaining because i haven't really have time to be busy doing nothing!

i have 2 more tests (on programming and electronic systems in 2 weeks time) and lots of lab report (which i usually finish up on the same day LOL - so that i wont be bothered about it ever again)

that was phew! cuz if all tests are this week, then i might be in trouble LOL
i tend to forget things easily no matter how much i do it
so i need to refresh all things again =/

today.. i only had lab session for programming
so since i've done the lab sheet during the weekend, i could do other things during the lab
i wanted to try pinging and use the mathlab for the graph thingy but guess what? i couldn't ping!!
it came out as error! i was like.. wtf??!!!
i tried at home and it was just alright!
dang! i couldn't try the mathlab software =/
and i cant download the trial version too =/
isn't that frustrating?

and oh guess what?
my lab report for programming, i just realized that i did some mistakes in the flowchart where i spent like.. 2 hours editing all 4 lab sheets!! (1 lab sheet 5 questions)
that pissed me off!
then i was printing those out because i dont think i'd like to take a look at it again LOL (and it's as 2nd backup if my laptop suddenly give up LOL)
and guess what happened? i'm out of ink! bloody hell!! pffftttt
i just changed it!! =/ =/

i got bloody so mad cuz things just don't go my way today no matter how well planned today should be =/
so i sort of start to lose myself

has it been a while since i last not really in reality but in my own world? LOL
i nearly break the plates, bowls, mugs =/ cuz i wasnt concentrating in what i was doing xD
it would be a disaster if i break those =/
i've just broke my blue mug last week =/

geez i am feeling really unhappy!
it's so.. URGHHH!!
damn pressure
damn me who can't deal with it =/

and oh i just got to know something that really break my heart T_T
it really was like.. stabbed me from front
it really hurts =/ and i still can't get over it
i've talked to sis about it; how it shouldn't be like that.. cuz.. it rised my hope a bit before; but now? it's like i got it just because of where i come from =/
eh i'm talking about the scholarship i got from my uni for 4 years (deduction from my fees) =/
i'm grateful that i got it but just guess how down i got when i asked them, "do everybody got this?" cuz i got an email asking me to pick up the letter from the department office and it said.. "Dear ALL"
they said.. "certain COUNTRIES"

WHAAA??!!
so it doesnt matter how much i struggle? it just wont make any difference
so do i have any reason to push myself over my limit? (hey do i know my limit? HAHA i never know my limit =P except if i really break down this time and would never stand again xD)

come on!! that's totally different from what i heard last time!!
last time they said only students who did well on their previous exam (the foundation program) would be getting it
now what?

shit! i just cant calm myself down xD
i'm beginning to complain just about everything! xD
that's so not a good thing

i am losing myself, aren't i? xD

damit! i should calm down xD

eh sorry to spoil your mood but i just feel like ranting

gimme just 5-10 min (seriously more than that, i'll be a zombie tomorrow without any sleep =/)

first of all.. i have so bloody much assignments!
okay okay it's not that much but it takes time to calculate, do, or understand it

i'm 98% done with math; only left the last part of the question which got me blur =/
and that pissed me off since it's just the bloody last part before i can put that papers away!!! arghhh!!!
now i feel so dumb!!
i bet it wouldn't be that complicated!!
and it shouldn't be that hard either!!

i know how to do it; it's just a scalar product!!!
but with which?
how to eliminate x1, x2, x3 and have an equation?

that got me thinking and thus, i got confused =/

electronic system...
tutorial 3; true that i haven't learn those yet
as being me, i prefer to finish it up before start to learn it so that i'd read it beforehand and thus easier for me to digest and that would make me a person full with questions to ask once the class end LOL
arghh!! i cant concentrate!! bloody hell!!
caffeine should help me to concentrate!! come on caffeine!! where's the effect??!!!

i haven't gone through the lab sheet for this subject too!!
urghh!!!

telecomunication..
i'm so mad at myself!!
i know that i HATE this subject from it's core LOL
so i sort of like put it as the last thing i'd be doing
bloody hell! i dont want to just pass!
what's the point if i cant get the best grade??!!
farking shit.. i have to revise 5 chapters which i didnt have time to cover last week =/
that's so annoying cuz i know that it would take one whole day to fully understand (and memorize)

and i haven't finish with the tutorials for those 5 chapters cuz i couldnt understand it without adding more notes in my lecture notes!
sheesh!!

programming..
i love this a lot!
every single bits of it!
but.. these 2 last questions on the lab sheet 3 is sort of getting on my nerve!
it shouldn't be hard, just use loops and the if.. else statement
arghh!! why can't i think straight and detect my lousiest error??!!
i spent like 30 min trying to figure out what i did wrong in question 2 where it should have 5 INTEGERS but i entered just bloody 3!
how could that work, right?!!

serious shit i dont think i'll be sleeping tonight
ughhhh!! this is so annoying!!
i'm so pissed off!!

farking shit why can't i be a quick learner?
why don't i have more time? (i shouldnt be wasting my time lurking here and there LOL and complaining)

shiet! this is so frustrating!!

i want to enjoy my weekend without cramming it with all the things that i need to cover!!
urghhh!!!

shiet! i sure will eat bloody much at the eid open house tomorrow since that's the only time i have to have fun =/
once i get back; i seriously in need to revise telecom and electronic system

i was thinking of writing this earlier WAHAHAHAAH
nevermind.. i'm just trying to remind myself what i had been doing/ taught for this week

classes werent that cramp last week because labs haven't started yet
but i actually am looking forward for the labs HAHA especially for programming xD

i'm taking 4 subjects for this semester
ELE 102 - Electronic Systems
ELE 103 - Telecomunication
ELE 161 - Programming
MAT 111 - Engineering Math 2

Elec sys, we've covered chapter 1 and a bit of chapter 3
chapter 1 was about.. the basic thingy such as power, energy, current etc etc
chapter 2.. resistor and resistance; we still haven't cover much of it yet
chapter 8.. capasitor and capacitance

all those topics, i could still recall it from the foundation course i did last year xD
so it's still alright
i just need to remind myself of a few stuffs

the lecture.. i'd say it.. it's okay
he picked up the important stuffs
so it was ok

his english accent is a bit different LOL
is he italian? but anyway, i'll get used to it xD because it's not that bad
it's just that you have to fully pay attention or you'll lost xD

Telecom, i was ranting how i hate it a few days ago LOL
i don't like the lectures at all
and the notes are confusing
there are so many things to know but she didnt covered all properly
i got lost in this subject
that pissed me off!
everybody else was saying this subject is easy 0_0 but i'm pretty sure they're wrong for saying that
i mean, what's the point of just knowing the 7 layer reference model without knowing what each of those do?
physical - transfer bit stream
link - transmission data over a link
network - transfer info between end systems
transport - end-to-end service for the transfering of message
session - establish, maintain connection
presentation - present details in understandable form
application - access to the OSI environment

telecom just have so many things to be remembered =/

as for this week, we've covered 3 chapters
CS1 - Basic Element (i haven't cover this topic yet)
CS2 - Signal and Bandwidth (and this too xD)
CS6 - Networks and Protocols (mesh, star, bus networks, 7 layer reference model, standards)

math.. uhh we learned the basic (again xD) and covered half of vectors
i like math! HAHAHAHA!
and i love his way of teaching WEE~

programming, i'm learning C language this semester
totally love it!!
the lecture seemed to be... uhh too dragged last week (the important matters were discussed only during the 20 minutes before it ended)
but C programming is fun! =D
i just did the "Hello World!" last night xD
it's for tomorrow's lab LOL

we learned about.. flowchart, and writing C (add comments where suitable)
fun fun!
but i need to memorize the lines EHEHEHE

overall, i love my course! (.... and trying to like telecom)

it does make me stress LOL (wtf.. too much pressure xD) and rant a lot lately
but i'll put up with it ^^
because electronic engineering department rox!

p/s : there are very few girls in my class AHAHAHAAH less than 10! LOL

as the title say.. how do you deal with it?
i do ask those 2 questions a lot eh?

pressure.. if me to deal with it.. well it depends xD
it either would push me further forward.. or maybe backwards (become more lazy and give up on everything and just sleep xD - and wake up regretting and only then gonna struggle for the lost time) xD
but anyway.. pressure doesnt really affect me much (a bit much.. but not too much? xD) - if you count out worrying too much that my hands + feets become seriously cold, feel like vomiting, i cant eat much, feel like having a fever, would take a painkiller before tests, having all those what if i fail sort of questions etc etc

err.. oookay.. pressure do make me crazy xD
i should.. i mean MUST MUST overcome it or i'd just shorten my lifelength xD

anyway.. my main question that i'd love to know the answers is.. HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH FAILURE?


 from this time onwards, i should just accept the fact that whether i like it or not, there would be something that i might fail in xD (not that i want to, but still.. just tell me how many percent do i have for passing everything? 0%!!)

for me, failing in something really is.. like being stabbed from front, getting your eyes poke from someone you trust the most, being pushed down from a really high cliff etc etc (i'll just leave that to your imagination xD) - i just want to say that.. it's seriously a super big shock!

i failed.. once last year during my 1st semester in physics 1 (wth? a born to be idiot or what to fail that? xD) for the first test and BARELY pass in physics 2 during my 2nd semester
it was devastating.. but not that much that i'd rather die (or do something stupid xD) because i admit i didnt really understand those topics, and i didnt work hard enough (how the hell do you think 5 questions for each chapters would be enough??!!) xD
too bad i'm not that awesome person who dont need to work hard HEH!

-- now that i think back... how did i get an A for physics 2? 0_0
especially when i was just BARELY pass during the test?

am i cursed to fail in any objectives type of questions?
it's not that i'd like to think of it like that.. but seriously.. i'd screw badly when it's objectives type questions! 0_0
i rarely screw up when it's subjectives type
and it's not once or twice like that
it has been.. AGES!
geh! must be my mindset or something xD

anyway.. i was a bit out of topic xD

back to topic.. another test i had.. not sure in sem 1 or 2..
i worked super hard for it, really prepared (i guess xD) and i actually got an A for it =P
but my prof looked at my name on his list wrongly and said.. "YOU GOT 56%!"
.. well.. still it ain't that bad.. 16% more than just barely pass xD it's a... C =/

i went back to my room and cried like i was dumped or something like that xD
and that really.. crushed my world at that time =P
i became gloomy and depress; but not really badly as i was when i first heard from my prof after talked to dad
dad is uber awesome in making me feel better! xD

i wish i could show you my expression after i went out from prof room xD
really is.. PRICELESS!! xD
i'd die laughing if i have a pic of that face xD xD

so... that sort of makes me think.. how would i be like if i really screwed up that time?
just what kind of stupid things would i do? would i just start slacking and mix in with the wrong crowd? start to skip classes? not to give a damn about education anymore? or just stay in my room sulking?

not getting result as what i expected to get is another thing..
failing is something else
in that (previous) case, i was pretty sure to get an A xD cuz i was confident enough - well i sometimes am a bit over confident xD NYWAHAHA

my guess that i cant accept failure well is because i just dont fail a lot xD
i never failed during primary school
twice IN A ROW (damit) during high school when i transfered to another school which i couldnt understand anything the teachers were teaching
.. but i didnt make a deal out of that
in fact.. i didnt care at all xD (because i totally gave up on trying to understand since they cant show me how those things could make any sense, not like any random numbers that suddenly jump around and WOALA! there is the answer! xD - please la.. dont just teach according to the examples in the textbook.. do some writing on the board and show steps by steps HEH!) i wouldnt go to school if i'm that good to understand just from the textbooks =/

hrmm.. i might sound as if i'm blaming others or.. just giving excuses
but seriously.. i'm not someone who could understand everything without being taught by others =P
i wish i'm a quick learner with super awesome memory etc etc
too bad i'm not and i'm learning to accept that i'm not as great as i thought (or want) to be =P

and.. because of that, i bet there will be more things that no matter how hard i try, how hard i struggle.. once in a while.. i'm gonna FAIL =/

well.. what a loser eh? thinking of losing before trying? thinking of failing before even trying? HEHE
not that i want to fail (NO BLOODY WAY i'm gonna fail!)
but if i do.. what advice could you give me?

just how do you think i could stand back on my feet and pretend it was nothing.. just a nightmare?
to keep on looking forward and ignore the past?

someone i know.. just fail in something and she still can laugh at it like it was nothing
while me.. that one failure would haunt me for at least.. months because i can slowly let go of it xD

hrmmm.. or.. is it just my personality problem? xD
where i take things too seriously?

ack! i've written too much xD NYEHEHEHE

first of all.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

uhh... i wish i could celebrate my birthday properly =/
sadly.. that wont happen for the next 4 years too xD EHEHEHEH

may.. is the bloody exam month!! URGHHHH!!!
but oh well.. i might want to make a big deal of it when i'm 21 =P

here in malaysia.. people are making a big deal for being 18 (where it is the legal age to get car license EHEM! and for alcoholic drinks? to smoke? pubs?) well.. that sort of thing xD
now that i think about it.. i did celebrate it sort of more than usual when i turned 18, right? xD WAHAHAHAHA

birthday parties are fun!!
i wish i'm still a lil kid xD
awww so fun!! with all those balloons and colourful stuff hanging around
man.. how i miss that!

i'm craving for vanilla ice cream cake!
urghh!! CAKE!! CAKE!! CAKE!! xD

too bad the bestEST lol cake shop that was only 5 minutes walk from my home had closed down months ago due to.. no customers xD WAHAHAHA

ARGHH!! i'd go have chocolate cheese cake soon
with hope.. they still have it
CHEEEESEEEE CAKE!!!

............. hrmmm.. i'm being random =P
gonna watch anime to reduce my randomness

i did some thinking a few days ago xD (the day before i went away, to be exact)
well.. this is continuing from my ranting xD

i'm sort of sure that i wont be finding any jobs once uni starts
i might want to join DA contests, because i'll try not to use photoshop or any editing programmes during weekdays hoho
so yeah.. weekend is the only time for ps'ing, anime etc etc

think of it..
what's the use of having jobs etc etc if i'm just gonna drop out from first year?
i have no slightest idea on how it will be like and whether i could cope with it just fine
maybe i'm sounding a bit boastful here.. but i'll be aiming to be in top 50 if i cant be in top 3 (which would get the uni scholarship, 2000 pounds that will be deducted from the fees)
i'm pretty sure i wont be getting any scholarships or loans; so if i do well in my first year, i can try again for those scholarships (even though applying for those are totally pain in the ass!!)

so, instead of worrying about all those ridiculous stuffs, it's better if i just stay focus on what i should be doing and leave the money matters to my parents xD
i might be using all their money, but.. please do bear with it for these few years
i'll pay back once i graduated + have a decent job
well.. i like the new me where i dont hesitate before doing something anymore (sometimes xD)
wee~
now i just need to think positively and just accept things as they are

1 week to go before going back to london
i might want to start borrowing books from the library (of course using my sis ID xD) since i'm gonna enrol 1 week after arriving xD

well.. i'm just gonna enjoy my last few days at home doing fun stuff and drive whereve i want =.=
u.u surely gonna miss my car PWAHAHAHAHA

well.. i'm start my ranting now HAHAHAHAHA
i wouldn't do much of it in friendster blog because i do know some people who read those and well.. that wouldnt be personal, right? =P
especially when i've been posting mostly anime reviews and gfx there xD

aaanyway.. i'm a bit confuse right now
well.. am i confuse? or just feeling guilty? annoyed? totally pissed off? or i'm just out of my mind?
i'm not sure anymore

uni gonn starts in another few weeks more
it's all good but i'm thinking that.. is it worth spending lots of money on me?
would it be enough? how bout my family? am i a burden to them?
i'm so sure that i'm the most expensive kid my parents ever had
last year they spent around.. 10 000 pounds for the fees and accomodation
i try not to shop for stuffs that i dont need because surely living on the pocket money they gave me wouldnt last for even a month xD
but yeah.. till now i still have more than half of that pocket money

but but.. does it make a really big difference whether i use it or not?
i mean.. it's still not enough to cover my fees for this year and so on, right?
is it really a wise idea to just go with the plan? getting into that uni?

i was all excited knowing my foundation.. uhh the A level result
seriously.. it was better than what i expected and i thought.. i'd get a better chance to get the government scholarship
well.. life just wont turn out the way i want it to be

i accepted the offer to do MEng (4 years) instead of BEng (3 years) with the thought that i could get the scholarship easier
but guess what? it doesnt make any difference at all
if me.. i'll just go for the MEng
but.. i'm not sure if my parents would still have any left to support me during the final year which i bet would cost more
so dad was suggesting that i should just enrol for BEng, go back home and get a job, and ask the company or uni (if i'd be a lecturer) to support me for masters
well.. i dont know
i'm not against that plan.. but it is frustrating!
letting go of what i've already have in hand.. that's so frustrating!!
i do want to try something that i never know the outcome
i'd like to take the risk
i'd like to know just how far can i go and what is my limit

and if possible.. if i cant get any scholarship from my country (private or government sectors) i just dont want to come back home (working i mean)
think about it... why should i work for my country, help them, when i couldnt even get some help from them when i need them?
i know that i shouldn't blame them because there are lots of people who are queueing for the scholarships
but.. just how many people out of thousands in that list get offered to straight away doing masters? all? serious shit NO!

i'm still waiting for their reply stating whether i get the scholarship or not.. wait! i was applying for a loan not scholarship because they lied to me saying "oh! we don't send students to UK anymore" when i asked a friend of mine who is under the government scholarship whether his juniors would still be sent to UK or not.. he said YES! wtf?
i am qualified for the scholarship, right? and? how to reject me? by lying??!! wtf??!
.. or did i misunderstood something here? =.=
if loan.. i just need to pay back; i'm not gonna have to work for them unlike scholars
i'm fine either way but i'd prefer getting a scholarship
but i dont think it's gonna be possible
who knows if i'm in their black list of something HEH!

should i give up everything that i have got until now? and start again in any local uni?
i know 1 government uni that would accept me without looking at my A level result; the O level result would be more than enough
but i dont want to be stuck there
seriously no way!
i'm not really sure why but.. there are some things here that i want to run away from
i dont really remember what are those things.. but as far as i could remember, i just want to start my life all over again last year
i guess there were so many stuffs, so many people that pissed me off, that made me think of doing reckless things and wanted me to follow their way as if they are the one who's in charge of my life, my future
well.. i think i got sick of being that way, being all nice and keep all the anger to myself for the sake of pride; not suddenly go all crazy beating, saying whatever i want as a way of rebelling

i like the idea of starting things all over again, meeting new people and do as i like without caring about pride etc
would it matter anymore when i know whatever i do, it wont affect my parents pride? unlike when i'm here in my own country?
1 tiny mistake would be seen by all and it would be like.. the most bizarre thing ever? well.. that was what i learned from high school and i wished i was mixing with the wrong group where whatever wrong i do would be treated as something usual HEH!

when i was at mom's village, i met this one relative of mine (oh!! he's alive? HEH! i dont give a damn!)
one thing that you should know.. you just don't brag how good you are in front the others
i'm not saying that my cousins there aren't good enough, it's just that they don't try hard
so.. this uncle of mine.. he was asking where i'm studying at etc etc
and guess what? HE DIDNT CARE OF MY ANSWERS!
how did i know? he was asking the same thing twice!
you should just hear the way he talk! he was so full of himself!
and he was using english! i mean.. wtf was he thinking about? was he trying to brag that because his son studies oversea, he's trying to show off how good he is in english?
was he trying to look down on me as if i cant speak english at all? hello??!!! just who the hell does he think he is? some almighty? DUH!!!
i replied him in a sort of annoyed attitude..
well if only he's not that dumb to notice

and what pissed me off more was his look when i said i'm not sponsored by the government scholarships
he had the "i know you're dumb that's why your parents are paying it for you" look
WTF???!!! serious shit! i'd love to kick his thing!

do i have any reason to remain here?
to meet more annoying so called relatives? to be looked down at? to be treated as i dont have any value?


i dont want to study in local uni
i dont want to meet any of my relatives anymore
but.. isnt that like.. i'm being selfish? i'm burdening my parents, aren't i?

i know i'm old enough to get a part time job
but.. just what can i do?
i am getting serious about contests in DA which i'm aiming for the money price LOL
those aren't much but i guess it's better than nothing
well.. it's not that i'm winning each time
but it's worth to try

haizz i'm complaining a lot here, eh? EHEHEHEH

hrmm.. that feels great to rant after keeping it for days xD LOL