I'm walking on a very dark path that used to be so bright when I was holding Shiena's hand. Our love was stronger than the Sun. Until she decided letting my hand go, in order to go cultivate some flowers and breath some fresher air. She told me to not wait for her and keep walking down the same path we wanted to walk on, which kept getting darker and darker. But there was a light a bit further down the path. That light was the one where we thought about stopping, holding each others hands and kiss once we get there. There was another light further where we thought about marriage once we'll get there. It was hard to accept to walk down the dark path alone until I get in the first light. But she said she'll show up once I get there, for me. What got me worried, is what happened while she's away looking for flowers before getting back to me. I'm worried while I walk down this dark path without her until I get to the first light. What's happening to her until I get there? It took me few days to finally accept it... A goddess voice close to hers said "Walk straight, Tavanh, do not worry". Until I decided to use a flashlight to look where I'm walking to make sure the path is still intact and clean before I get to the first light where Shiena will reunite with me.
What's gonna happen with the "marriage" light where we wanted each others as spouse so bad? Is that lamp gonna die out? Is it worth the electricity until I get there? Turning the flashlight on just made me realize there was suddenly a huge cliff I almost fell down into and hurt myself eternally. I feel... betrayed... I wasn't allowed to turn the flashlight on if I trusted the person and the path. But something just made me have to... A cliff... With dandelions around... What is that? WHAT IS THAT? Should I jump over that cliff with all my might or just... forget about this path!? What does that mean!? I'm so alone... I'll just let my spirit walk down that path with imaginary past Shiena and remain alone for life. That cliff scared me... I'm too afraid to continue... Please convince me that the cliff was just an illusion... Please... What if I try to step on it with my eyes closed to find out all by myself that it was an illusion, only to fall down rather than continuing the path? Because... I'm afraid to use the flashlight now...

= = = = = = = = = The parallele story = = = = = = = = = =

The first promise ring was that we stay off single in order to become strong by focusing on ourselves and get back together again later. WHY? Because our hearts still (and will still) always belong to each other.
Apparently, the truth makes it that the promise has changed. If I'm there, she'll be there...

And then what? We let things be? If she's taken or went to get wild misadventure and then I get there, won't it hurt me? Won't it turn me into a monster? Why? Why that? What's the point of that? I'd kinda feel bad for the person she'll be with, (if she's ever gonna be with one). But being evil would just make me do some evil acts. Which is why... Which is why it is better if she pushes me away NOW. I don't wanna be in doubt and in pain later AGAIN. How can I trust that!?

Wouldn't you feel betrayed if the person you still love the most told you to take a break, to stay away from love and focus on ourselves until we can date again later once we feel better (because we still have feelings for each other)? Only just to find out that that person only wanted to have a new boyfriend SOON already? Is that "staying away from love"? I feel... completely betrayed in promises and faith...

I'm so traumatized, I'm even trembling, not crying anymore. I'm so afraid to even walk further down the path. I thought I could be friends with her and lend my hands to help her stand strong until we could date again when we meet. I'm so afraid... that despite putting my efforts on helping and spending time with such good friend, I would only end up with a result I've never wished for ever since we were lovers. I'm even afraid of her now... I'm afraid of the TRUTH.

Me being a hacker, and hacking for the sake of my "apparently too strong love feelings" made me learn the lesson that I'd better be off to stop hacking in order to find the truth. I've already found it. What's the point of spying again? Sure my hack is unforgivable. But egoistically, I got what I needed while I'll be growing older. I got the truth and I realized I should stop doubting her... I'll just stay in love with the one who makes me feel better. Her past self. It was the only thing that made me the most happy and look far up to my goals and future. I might be off being single for life with that thought I'm brainwashing myself with... The path will lead me to negative or positive... We'll see...

I thought about playing reckless today. But nah. I'll keep that for later with entertainment purpose. I'm in love with the old Shiena now. I should be careful of myself.

PS. This blog service awesomely got more annoying with pop up ads.