AG Global Blog : AsianGround Global Blog

This feeling again... Who was in my dream?

2010-03-03T18:35:35Z

When you're in a relationship for quite a long time and that you've been very very very faithful to it, and then you suddenly lose that precious person, even after months, even after having no feelings at all for that person, you still feel like it's very hard to believe you're now single. It's like you're not meant to be someone single. It's like you still think you have a girl (well I'm a guy so that's why I say "girl" and I'll keep it that way). It's like... You still feel like you're gonna take care of that girl and make her happy and loved... It's like you don't wanna flirt any other girls around because you've been too faithful.

Flirting pretty girls is very tempting when we know we're single. Which is why I keep telling myself "Hey, what kind of idiot am I, I'm single now... I don't need to restrain myself for an imaginary girl who doesn't even exist".

I'm free... Every morning, I gotta keep telling myself, I'M FREE! FREE FROM LOVE! FREE TO DO ANYTHING I WANT.

Few days ago... Few days ago I dreamed about my ex (Shiena) for 3 nights in a row... People would think I still have feelings for her just because I dreamed about her... But no... I just have memories of her. I kinda miss her... But I don't even love her one bit. Digging deeper at it, all what I've been missing about her was just how she was to me before turning into an unpleasant girl thinking only about money. And for that, it's stupid of me to miss her... Because as everybody says, she has shown her true face... But personally, I know she's not a bitch... She just had to turn into one lately before being back to her true happy self again later. And for that, I had to turn into an asshole and take my money back and push her away. I appreciate that she pushes herself away as well (by deleting all contacts with me). Unlike my other ex-girlfriends who would always try to come back to me annoyingly even when I act like an asshole to push them away.

I've been hanging out with more girls... They're "new" to me although I knew them long ago. I just knew them like "Hello" for months... I'd like to hang out with even newer friends...

Until I find the faithful one for me just like I said in my previous post (she has to be Canadian).

From what I've seen, I do believe there are prettier/cuter girls out there, in better shape and more interesting than Shiena. Way more better than Shiena.

I know it, because I've been told by many guys and girls, friends and strangers.

I haven't been seriously DATING yet... But I've been with interesting girls...

I've never used text message before I met Shiena. So now that she's gone and I'm single and free, I've let other girls have my number. It actually scares me that the way these girls write sometimes remind me a lot of Shiena... Scary sometimes I even have to look at the number to make sure hahaha although I know it cannot be Shiena... But it really makes me happy... :) Happy that I'm about to move on to another path in relationship whether it's friendship or love. I feel so... so much free... Freedom is around me...

I'm NPB... Free to do anything when I'm single... As long as they're not stupid things and misadventurous.

The reason why I write this is more because...

Because of my dream last night...

I dreamed I have met a girl... She was so pretty and charming... It was quick how we got so interested in each others like as if we could already turn into a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship the next day...

It looked so beautiful... I have charmed her with my efforts haha... I surprised her and made her so shocked and even happier... It looked so real...

But I woke up with disappointment... :(

Who was that girl anyway... Never seen her before, yet I can still clearly see her face... She was so pretty...

I was happy as hell because we clicked too perfectly... Ahhh a dream can make this too perfect to be true haha...

My preference through all my love experience is... an asian girl who speaks english... Shiena was the one who made me so open in speaking English with a girl (I was usually shy and I still am). Because my main language is French... I only spoke English with my male friends who I rarely spoke to, every day or week...

English kinda turns me on... :D

I also gotta make sure if the girl stays in Canada... ;)

Evil... Devil in me

2010-03-01T23:46:14Z

That girl... now my ex...

I'm over it... I told her I won't keep up with this. I'll find a better girl. I know I deserve better. It was my feeling that has been fooling me. The feeling that made me like her.

This feeling is gone now. Completely gone. I feel nothing for her.

But why is she still being kind to me like that? What she has done is terrible to me. It's unforgivable. I thank her though for telling me the truth that because of distance, she's too hurt and now she'd rather break up. But I won't follow her wish of wanting me back as her future. Why? Because she has already found another guy. I'm not gonna keep any hope with her.

She keeps being kind, although she's now with another guy. She keeps telling me I'm still in her heart.

Blah. I don't get this because honestly, I cannot be with a girl when someone else is still in my heart. I wanna be pure and faithful! I expect the same from the girl I love or hold in my heart.

She's with a guy now, then she'd better stick with that guy and move on with him. It's actually sick to be with one guy and having another guy she wants to marry (me). Fuck this, seriously haha! Pathetic... It was already pathetic before, now, it's like overkill.

Basically, she disgusts me. That helped me not wanting anything about her being kept in my heart anymore. It's over. And because of this, for her own good, I'd rather look like a pure asshole to her than a perfect guy. Just her. I don't care what she says to her friends. I finished it off in a hell way, bad manner. Not in a heroic way. I tried to make her hate me. It worked. I warned her, I'm evil. Evil to those who hurt me the most. Angel to those who I care. Breaking up hurts me. I thought it was fair... reasons were fair... But she's now with a guy who, I assume, they were together before we broke up. All because of distance. I felt vengeance rising inside of me. Punishment. What I did was... I took all my money support back from her. I basically just took back the money I gave her when I believed in her.

She can be pissed all she wants. I don't care...

She sounded too materialistic lately. Only money would make her talk.

I've learned a lesson in life.

It's too hard for me to follow a girl who's outside of Canada. Too much paper works... And the girl is basically too weak to keep up with me. I can't trust any girl outside of Canada anymore. I don't believe in their love faith in distance anymore. I should be careful when I meet international students here in Canada. I should know if they will stay here or not (if I'm interested in them). Otherwise, I'd rather stay friends with them rather than digging deeper.

The only love distance I can accept and trust is the one inside of Canada. No need of crazy paper works with permanent residence and citizenship craps. In other words, I gotta have a lover inside of Canada from now on.

I know there's sooo plenty of good girls available here...

I can follow any girl who's local because my job is flexible (especially future job).

Anyhow, it won't be easy... So I just... Look around and keep doing what I gotta do... I'm just 22 after all, right? No need to rush in love...

It's been over a month after the break up, and as everyone know, I get over my past love so quick. Yes, one month was enough for me. But I still hold memories from my ex... But those memories don't connect with my feelings (heart) anymore... I can just remember... from my mind, I remember all that... It was beautiful to me... But I'm happier where I am now. So much happier. I'm so positive there's a better girl for my life... For now, I'm free. Free to do whatever I want. But if I ever find a girl, I'm ready... I'm ready because I made sure I no longer have feelings for my ex. I gotta make sure I'm not looking for a rebound. I gotta make sure I'm clean and pure. This is so that I could start everything new with my new important person. And I could fully focus on her. :)

I'll post the link of my new blog later. But that blog will be WAY more cleaner than this one. It will be related to my projects and stuff.

Whoever finds me here, through google, don't forget...

I'm

NPBundercover

NPBxk

NPB

XK Shiraz

AsianGround forum is gone (I expected it anyway)

2010-02-17T08:56:21Z

I've already been working on AG2 because I expected AG forum to be down once it became more populated.

Don't worry people, things will return in a new concept. All what was in AG forum are kept as backup offline.

AG will return but not in forum yet. It will be stuck with AG2 for a while and then a forum will be made. The forum will be independent this time. We won't rely on any service.

The thing is, we gotta change some concept and keep the fun. The concept is... we gotta keep it legal despite the fact that we will be under no terms of violation craps. There's still some laws out there in industry/business/marketing. Which is why the organization welcomed a lawyer so he could help us on what's best and what could work by the laws.

We no longer want to remain underground. We want to be known, professional and organized now. Time for a new step for AG! Every big names have been through this path so let's do it!

Leave any comment (with questions if you want) and I'll reply.

Why is that there's 1 view in my "Penis in Vagina" blog post?

2010-02-05T23:57:09Z

Who's the pervert? There isn't supposed to be any viewers!!!

This is my ranting blog!

Anyway... That just got me an idea how to attract more fans when I'm ready to be popular.

I should title it, "Penis is Vagina".

But then I should really talk about it. I should find a nice tricky topic about it.

Naaah just kidding. But yeah I need to find some attractive titles.

By the way, the ads were about Love Finders. So they were not that nasty.

Hmmm ok so whoever reads this, stick around with my projects.

Go to AsianGround forum for some updates.

Fresh air from her...

2010-02-04T08:16:56Z

It felt so assuring last night when she popped out of nowhere to tell me to go sleep. She said it the very sweet way. I miss it so much! It shows that she still has me in her heart. It shows that she still cares. It made me feel so good, I was finally able to sleep happily.

Although the saddest part was... we couldn't say "I love you". :(

I hope it goes on like this. She's always gonna be the one I love, although she can't love me back and have to focus on herself before loving me back again.

I just hope everything I see from her isn't bad. If they look bad, I just hope they were illusions, as she told me that I shouldn't take everything she does badly. I gotta believe her. I have faith. I'm the most faithful. I won't be selfish for her, and I hope she won't be selfish either, because she explained to me what would make her selfish.

I really hope she keeps her words. Because I take every words of her at heart.

I'll always love you Shiena.

This blog stinks! I love it!

2010-02-03T05:04:50Z

Penis in vagina

Penis in vagina

Penis in vagina

Let's see what the ads will get for these words.

Walking down the path of... promise betrayal...

2010-02-01T21:11:59Z

I'm walking on a very dark path that used to be so bright when I was holding Shiena's hand. Our love was stronger than the Sun. Until she decided letting my hand go, in order to go cultivate some flowers and breath some fresher air. She told me to not wait for her and keep walking down the same path we wanted to walk on, which kept getting darker and darker. But there was a light a bit further down the path. That light was the one where we thought about stopping, holding each others hands and kiss once we get there. There was another light further where we thought about marriage once we'll get there. It was hard to accept to walk down the dark path alone until I get in the first light. But she said she'll show up once I get there, for me. What got me worried, is what happened while she's away looking for flowers before getting back to me. I'm worried while I walk down this dark path without her until I get to the first light. What's happening to her until I get there? It took me few days to finally accept it... A goddess voice close to hers said "Walk straight, Tavanh, do not worry". Until I decided to use a flashlight to look where I'm walking to make sure the path is still intact and clean before I get to the first light where Shiena will reunite with me.

What's gonna happen with the "marriage" light where we wanted each others as spouse so bad? Is that lamp gonna die out? Is it worth the electricity until I get there? Turning the flashlight on just made me realize there was suddenly a huge cliff I almost fell down into and hurt myself eternally. I feel... betrayed... I wasn't allowed to turn the flashlight on if I trusted the person and the path. But something just made me have to... A cliff... With dandelions around... What is that? WHAT IS THAT? Should I jump over that cliff with all my might or just... forget about this path!? What does that mean!? I'm so alone... I'll just let my spirit walk down that path with imaginary past Shiena and remain alone for life. That cliff scared me... I'm too afraid to continue... Please convince me that the cliff was just an illusion... Please... What if I try to step on it with my eyes closed to find out all by myself that it was an illusion, only to fall down rather than continuing the path? Because... I'm afraid to use the flashlight now...

= = = = = = = = = The parallele story = = = = = = = = = =

The first promise ring was that we stay off single in order to become strong by focusing on ourselves and get back together again later. WHY? Because our hearts still (and will still) always belong to each other.

Apparently, the truth makes it that the promise has changed. If I'm there, she'll be there...

And then what? We let things be? If she's taken or went to get wild misadventure and then I get there, won't it hurt me? Won't it turn me into a monster? Why? Why that? What's the point of that? I'd kinda feel bad for the person she'll be with, (if she's ever gonna be with one). But being evil would just make me do some evil acts. Which is why... Which is why it is better if she pushes me away NOW. I don't wanna be in doubt and in pain later AGAIN. How can I trust that!?

Wouldn't you feel betrayed if the person you still love the most told you to take a break, to stay away from love and focus on ourselves until we can date again later once we feel better (because we still have feelings for each other)? Only just to find out that that person only wanted to have a new boyfriend SOON already? Is that "staying away from love"? I feel... completely betrayed in promises and faith...

I'm so traumatized, I'm even trembling, not crying anymore. I'm so afraid to even walk further down the path. I thought I could be friends with her and lend my hands to help her stand strong until we could date again when we meet. I'm so afraid... that despite putting my efforts on helping and spending time with such good friend, I would only end up with a result I've never wished for ever since we were lovers. I'm even afraid of her now... I'm afraid of the TRUTH.

Me being a hacker, and hacking for the sake of my "apparently too strong love feelings" made me learn the lesson that I'd better be off to stop hacking in order to find the truth. I've already found it. What's the point of spying again? Sure my hack is unforgivable. But egoistically, I got what I needed while I'll be growing older. I got the truth and I realized I should stop doubting her... I'll just stay in love with the one who makes me feel better. Her past self. It was the only thing that made me the most happy and look far up to my goals and future. I might be off being single for life with that thought I'm brainwashing myself with... The path will lead me to negative or positive... We'll see...

I thought about playing reckless today. But nah. I'll keep that for later with entertainment purpose. I'm in love with the old Shiena now. I should be careful of myself.

PS. This blog service awesomely got more annoying with pop up ads.

Ok wtf, 2 views already...

2010-01-29T05:31:57Z

Oh this is my 2nd blog post from the same day just to leave one more thing...

Whoever subscribed to my posts, please unsubscribe... Private life here... :P

But please go subscribe to my youtube account NPBxk... I'll get back there with old videos I haven't uploaded since like 2 years ago. I'll also get back to make more videos once I'll find the big battery for the camera (my dad borrowed it and he's 62 years old so what can I say). Thank you.

And about my love life (again), to whoever thinks I should just leave Shiena for good just because it's now her true face, you guys are wrong. There are conditions around us that would make us different from time to time with the level of stress and patience we can absorb. Other than that, we can improve ourselves, learn more, discover more, have more experiences, etc.

She's the same person to me... she's just different because of her condition... and I, myself, feel different from my current condition as well. She was never "fake at first and then true face after". No! She has always been HERSELF. She has always been SINCERE, HONEST, OPEN, ETC. Like I said, it's the whole conditions around us that could sort of change us whether it's from school, work, home, etc (all combined). But those are not PERMANENT CHANGES. We can get back happy. The positive side is... We still love each other even more than the strong brightness of the sun. We just focus strongly on ourselves until we get back together, but this time, all well equipped together. Her, on herself, me, on myself and on my "almost handicapped" nerves damaged mom... We won't worry about each other for the moment. Maybe just as... special faithful close friends... We just keep ourselves FAITHFUL and PURE. No misadventure like I said. Only ourselves improving!

My mom's case won't last for years... I have feelings that it shouldn't be too long... It's been already over 2 years wasn't it? What's long is the wannabe end of the world (2012)... Worse, when I'll be 26 where I've been predicted as "Successful man". Hey isn't that weird? The prediction also said I'll be helping my parents a lot, which is kind of... what's happening in a way, isn't it? And nothing was mentionned about love years... :S

They couldn't predict further than that though. All what was predicted about love life was how extremely romantic our relation will be and how the described wife fits perfectly Shiena... and I really hope it is her... If it's not her, then it must be someone who looks too much like her... :(

And somehow my ambition is flaming for success... But I hope that success is way sooner than that please... :( *I'm demanding too much am I? :(*

I HOPE LIGHTS WILL ENLIGHTEN OUR PATHS AND REUNITE US BACK TOGETHER!

Just a little announcement: Whoever dares to kiss and do anything to Shiena will have me face them one day because my memory and hatred can live long against enemies. Take Marcus Yves as an example. And I'll just ban Shiena off my life since she was weak there.

So let's just hope none of that will happen. Because I'm excited to either live a good life, or kill those who ruined it. Pleasure on both side. Angel or Evil, whoever will win the future of my fate.

Life is also full of pain... happiness after pain? Pain after happiness? And so on...

2010-01-28T22:06:02Z

Weather: Currently dark outside, snowstorm afternoon.

I forgot where I could find this blog. I took it out of bookmarks and AG links because I felt like this service is no longer part of AG's plans. Even Google no longer has any of this in the search result I think. But I found the link from my memories. I knew it was "asianground" and then "blogsystem". All what was left was to try the whole .com, .net, etc... Well to be honest, I only thought of these two.

I guess this place is now hidden and underground. A place where I can scream out.

It's perfect if I ever become a well known character. I'll just free out thoughts here that I don't wanna free out in public.

What do I mean by well known character? Well... I wanna be popular for what I've done related to my projects... I also wanna have some fans again like the old time but I'm aiming for way more, but not only from the same things. I wanna aim for success where I'll meet so many people who could support me.

I won't involve my love life in there... but if people wanna know, I'll just make them know that my heart belongs to someone named Shiena. But for this, I won't only do that just to avoid dating around. I do that for faith, as long as Shiena still has faith in me with the promess we made. She knows that I will only lose faith in her if she takes away what I've always wanted from her. Her psychological and physical purity, with all the goals we've made together for the future.

So many things I don't want, but I have to accept. It's really painful. But that's part of life.

After some huge pain, here comes huge happiness... Let's not demand too much happiness here, although we want more, it's still a huge happiness already... We can't be overspoiled too much (and too soon). Gotta be conscious about it.

And after some huge happiness, here comes huge pain again... And we're wandering around looking for a way to rebuild happiness again. But in all these cycles, different things happen because we're learning, we're becoming stronger and stronger... Plus, we've built different paths nowhere too similar to what we dislike in our previous paths left behind. We wanna avoid pains again and we'll have more experiences to be prepared to avoid them nicely.

I've been to a longer relationship than this one... She did too... But this relation has been the best, deepest and serious one among all. It made us open our eyes widely a whole lot more. But it's, once again, a huge pain to discover things that may best be learned (and accepted) than being avoided.

I was already scared that she no longer belongs to me in a way (but only from her heart). Especially when the person said "Even if I'm with a guy, you will always be the one I love most in my heart". But... Isn't it something that happens so much to so many people who are not even 100% happy about their LOVE in marriage or their current partners? Which is why there are so many disturbing housewives (or JUST WIVES) who would sadly sneak out to get their "Romeo" while their current boyfriends / husbands are working their asses off to support them in life / society? Isn't that SICK? Same could be said to men, of course... I just hope I won't get there. Too disgusting. Some women are strong and faithful to stand on their own until their loved ones are ready to get them and marry them. They have way better chances to get a happy eternal faithful partner (unless their partner is an asshole). I admire that...

I really hope this is how Shiena takes it along with our promesses (She said she needs to learn to love herself more, she needs to feel better about herself)... Because to me, love doesn't exist if there's no faith in them.

I care too much for the pride of my future family. I want purity. She knows what I mean...

Friend: "If you really love her, you should go see her now before it's too late..."

Me: "What do you mean by too late?"

Friend: "She's in pain... Either you go see her or she will move on."

Me: "Well am I not in pain too? I also wanna see her, the only sad thing is I CAN'T, I'm not a big success yet, I'm still an equivalent of a student except I'm on my own projects! But not only that, but I have to take care of my mom + my own living and insurances at the moment! Otherwise I'd already have gone there to see her! All I needed was patience until my mom gets better enough to be on her own!"

Friend: "Well you told me she isn't patient. Maybe it's better to move on since you're both in a very difficult situation. But let's look it that way... She said she is gonna work on herself while still loving you, right? She doesn't wanna feel the pain in worrying about love, right? So this means you'll still have a chance to get her back in life..."

Me: "I hate to play with chances in love..."

Friend: "Weren't you a good aggressive poker player? You had a typical gambler style with your aggressiveness and you always won."

Me: "Cards don't change. Hearts don't change in cards. I can stay faithful to cards easily because I know they won't ever change. I know what to do when those cards belong to me. Shiena is an impatient person, she might even be unpredictable whenever she changes. Who knows what we'll get in the next months, probably dating around although she told me she won't. Out of impatience, she dared to drop me unexpectedly so who knows what's next? This is why I keep telling her to not betray her heart from now on but it's so hard because unlike cards, humans can change... Frightening part is... even their heart and taste can change. So their thoughts change along..."

Friend: "Didn't you say yourself you'd visit her?"

Me: "Yes... and I failed... I guess I've reached her limit of patience... No wonder she kept saying that it's too long... Thanks for reminding me. My life is so hard... Too many unexpected bad situations happened and I can't be a hero to all few people I care. If I don't fail here, I fail there... if I don't fail there, I fail here... I dunno what to cherrish... Scary decisions. I know Shiena is in pain as she needs me so badly. Which is why she'd rather find something to distract herself away from love by focusing on working on herself more, such as losing weight, finishing studies, etc before thinking about getting back to love again, and that love is already reserved by me. I just hope it's true and she won't go having misadventure around."

The sad thing is... I'm scared of myself... I make too many bad imaginations when I'm down like this, I should just stop!

What's scary is... I'm always in pain if I still talk to her... And out of pain, I annoy her by still mentionning about things that would make us both cry (our good memories). Unlike her who wouldn't mind still talking to me, like nothing happened. But we STILL have the same goal, living together, married. Confusing to me... The other scary thing is if I avoid her until I feel sooo much better, there's a big chance that I'll be having a black heart. Looking at my previous relationships, I think all my EX-girlfriends could tell that I turn cruel after avoiding them. The truth is... I managed to PERMANENTLY lose feelings towards them that easily already. This is the cruel side of me that I'm scared to develop while I'm avoiding Shiena. But the thing is, I don't know how strong this cruel side can develop itself against my best relationship ever. It is so humane that love fades away when we avoid each others. What's in me is more like a demon that is waking up. This is probably how I was already full of hatred, cold, cruel, etc against my ex. Took quite long for me to accept to talk to them as "friends", but the kind of friends I may be too lazy to talk to (or put less importance since I'm a busy person)... The funny thing is, I remember when they all still had feelings for me in a way (not at the same time, of course), and few of them still tried to get slowly back with me. I gotta tell in advance... This compliment is not even impressing me anymore: "You're the best guy I've ever known. I will never forget about you in my heart."... Because I swear, I turn DEVIL ON YOU. And why some girls are still masochist at it? Like "Oh my god stop it, you're not a devil, I know you!" well fuck you because I'll still be a devil on you! I'm just probably an angle to my close friends, family and love. Don't get me wrong in this case, I still wanna be Shiena's angel... :( Our promesses were special and I still take it at heart... Just that I have to fight my evil side, which is strong and scary of myself...

BUT HOW!?!?!

This is the same devil who makes me known as a PSYCHO (HAHAHA YEAH BITCH *PSYCHO MODE ALREADY*).

Where did I develop my coldness and how to be cold instantly you ask? Training in my agency's paramilitary.

I resigned and became poor (enough to live by myself and support my mom). But I resigned because of the high risks I got in the next steps. I also have another reason... I resigned so I could focus on learning more about BUSINESS and developping them all by myself. I have nothing to prove you guys... But I DO WANNA PROVE you (well, people who know me well in person already got proofs).

I wanna prove I'm not bullshitting about where I got all my dark skills. Hacking + Criminology+sciences+medic+etc + Assassination tactics and skills? I'm now a former part of that. I wanna be a well known inspiration now. A business man with his own unique success.

But while I'm down like right now, I feel like... Why not heading back to training and then finally accept what they asked me for? Since they need me so badly and I just told them to fuck off? The thing is, I feel like a lot of them are still there and they're just gonna make fun of me hah... I guess I gotta expect it if I make my decision to go back there. It's not even a year yet since I last told them to fuck off. I was too deep in love and in future plans.

Maybe to let some steams off, I'd get back there just for the risky mission? I may die there but who cares. I'll get paid a lot again with service supports from the government...

Blah... But then again, I wouldn't be moving forward with my business projects which is very important for my future... It's all for the peace and happiness... Nothing to worry about... Free from stress... And I care about my future... Arrrgh... So tough...

I don't care... I'll live my life back like a lone wolf... Whatever is there is there, whatever comes back comes back, whatever is done is done... But my heart will still belong to Shiena, although... Although I may be forced to take my heart away from her someday... But this would only happen if she broke our promesse about the future.

For now, I'm trying to get used to be single AND I got to (not trying, but I GOT TO) keep the promesse alive because we wanna get married together later. She wants to be my wife, she wants to be my pretty wife. And I want to be her husband. Tavanh and Shiena. Doesn't it look great? Our names look so good together... :( EVERYTHING looks so good together.

We just gotta keep our promesses alive. We must stay pure until then. No other love/sex/whatever should interfeer. Only us will claim each other's purity away. :D

Forever Shiena. Faith and trust.

Life is hard...

2009-11-24T02:58:40Z

Do I have to do everything? Sure... I'm a leader, am I? I'm not being bossy. There are things you gotta do if you wanna get certain income! I have a lot of things to handle myself! Fuck!

I will start dedicating a lot of stuff to the love of my life, my best love ever, by miles, no doubt

2009-09-03T02:03:16Z

Please Shiena, don't read this... I just want to unleash everything out of my mind with tears...

I still have tears again as I'm writing this... A lot... I don't remember the last time I cried so much, for a person like me who was known to be cruel, evil, demon, tricky, "uncryable". I did cry before, for the same person and it was the biggest cry to the point I got sick... That was when I knew I was gonna miss her, her voice... But today, the record has been broken from the same person. First of all, it was never a fight that made me cry... It was the fact that I hate to lose her, I hate to not get to talk to her, see her, touch her... Most importantly, I hate when things don't go well for her! Especially when we were this close to get to finally be together. My poor baby... What has she done in her previous life to deserve so much bad curses!? Because she's too good in this current life to deserve so much bad things! Was she bad in her previous life!? Please miracle, god, buddha, anyone, give us the light, the strength to fight the curse and make her have the most beautiful life... PLEAAASE... I BEG YOU!

She has caught my heart so well, she handles my heart at perfection. She's faithful, pretty, lovely voice, she just has EVERYTHING I dream of. But what's most important, the core of everything, is her PURE HEART. Never did I cry over any relationship before... I did have feelings, sadness, etc... But... Were they even love? All I know is... This is really the best love I've ever found, by miles!

I cried, I cry, and will cry... Not from being hurt by her... not at all... but being hurt by how she got so much bad lucks... If no powerful help could lend her the energy that could support her, please, I'd like to sacrifice myself to be the one to transfer the wealthy-happy life to her. That girl of my life has suffered enough... LET HER GO OFF ALL THE BAD SPIRITS AND LUCK AROUND HER ALREADY!!! She hasn't done anything wrong to deserve it! That should already be enough to pay off her previous life debt! She's born an innocent good person!!!

I cried, I cry, and will cry... Although I'm also in pain, I'm not weak to give up being affected by her life. I'm NEVER gonna give up on this love, EVER! She's the most perfect human being I could ever hang around with!

I cried, I cry, and will cry... At some point, it makes me accumulate the power and energy to naturally turn my cries into wealth and happiness, with the best love ever. Crying makes me look weak already, for a person like me... But a person like me will make his cries deadly, full of vengeance, the will to learn from what caused the big tears and turn it into the essence of SUCCESS.

NEVER BACK DOWN. NEVER GIVE UP. IF IT'S ABOUT SOMETHING YOU LOVE SO MUCH AND TAKE CARE OF, NEVER EVER GIVE UP!

= = = = = = =

T.E.A.R.S. O.F. A.N.G.E.L.

= = = = = = =

Can't believe this is not even one year. So intense, it felt like it was 3 years.

So charming, willing to learn and never give up. CAN SOMEBODY EXPLAIN ME WHY SUCH KIND OF PERSON WOULD GIVE UP HER STUDY PLEASE!? THAT IS NOT WHAT SHE WANTS BUT SOME PEOPLE MAY MISINTERPRETE HER INTENTIONS! SAME FOR WHEN SHE LOOKS FOR A JOB! SHE'S A PERSON WHO LIKES TO LEARN, DISCOVER, HAVE ADVENTURE, EXPERIENCE AND NEVER GIVES UP! This is exactly how I fell into her charms... Even when I was gonna give up helping her, thinking that she would just be like others who would just say "Ok thanks", she still didn't give up. Truly one of a kind. It made me feel bad to leave such person with unfinished business there. The way how she kept me was pure heart catching... I really fell for it... My heart beated there... She is truly a faithful love I've always dreamed for... I would never think I'd meet such a person. But I did. And what are the odds to have one like her... Seriously. I fell in love with her and I'm so happy she really also fell in love with me... I love her so much, I can't even imagine her with any other guy in the future, only me. Those guys would have their souls crushed if they even attempt to try to win her heart away from me. But of course it's impossible to win her heart when I already got her heart and she's got mine... Just that my heart with her may fight away whoever tries to get near her.

"What is the Nutty Peanut Butter... ... ..."... That moment was making my heart beat when she started to talk to me with her lovely sweet and soft voice. I kept wanting to hear over and over again even when I wake up, sleep, wake up, sleep, wake up... It made my day and started my day happily at that time.

We went far in the relation together, starting to intensify our love even more, to the point we felt like we've created the sun.

Later on, she introduced me her hard life that kept going on a little worse... Then it seemed to get worser and worser... I was stupid to be afraid to fall into the "worse life story lies" when I just loved her at first. Until later I uncover that all what she said has really been the truth... Being stupid that I was, I was even softer and more laid back although I got paid well but I felt like it was the most paid I could ever get. So I had a talk with her and I said I'd start a new project, business, something that will be kept only for the two of us in the future. Something expandable that would make good amount of money. It is the AG-AG2 new concept which includes business, marketing, etc. Of course, as a start, things don't pay much so I had a side job to survive. Putting efforts on both.

Talking about softness... Wow at how much hockey really ate my times... Imagine what I could have done with those times accumulated together for business only! I'm such a hopeless boyfriend... Why do I realize things after... I need to get into a big fight where too many strong fighters would team up to beat me up. I need to wake up from physical pain.

Whenever I don't see her or hear her, I just completely feel sad, alone, thinking of her...

Her enthusiasm in her voice when she talks about things she has experienced, discovered or known, her laughs... I want them back... I want them back, so badly... I don't want to hear her cry anymore... It's painful... I must bring back what I want... I must make it happen... so PLEASE GIVE ME THE POWER!

I can still also hear the laughes from the siblings... her voice and laughes too... It was so lovely... It is still resounding in my head with sad echoe... I want happiness to be back upon her, her siblings... and of course our future lives including mine as well.

As she recently started school, she was so full of enthusiasm talking about women psychology... I mean it... Full of it... I miss her hypeness... She was about to learn so many amazing things that I hate to admit that most of those things are true on men.

Until we got an interruption (true or not), leading into forcing her to be absent from school. That... that... ahh that is... one of the very sad things to see from the very loved one... So hype, so full of enthusiasm, loving what the person is learning, enjoying and then suddenly something shocks her and scares her and all of the beautiful flame has been extinguished... PLEASE SEND ME AND HER THE POWER TO CREATE THE BEAUTIFUL FLAME AND FEED IT MORE AND MORE!

Paranoia... The whole scary atmosphere around you can surely get you paranoid...

My plans being forced to be interrupted... Leading into emergency plan that happens to fail out of the rush! Will there be luck behind that CURSE for at least ONCE!? ... We should stop wishing... because curse will be paying its debts. We should FIGHT to not have any curse against us, and eventually create more space for LUCK AND SURPRISES.

I have kept my composure in public... my tears (although my eyes had more tears than usual)... my strength in talking... my standing posture... etc... Until I realize there's no more reason to stay at that place any longer, I had to leave... That is when I left that all my memories about my sis and bro came back to my mind... Everytime I left the airport, I never left with no one, with empty hands... Always with a smile, laugh, fun talk... This time, I left with deception that is hanging on my back and legs... Trying to find a way to fight all the curse... I did the best I can as a person from far away... The disappointment is... I SHOULD HAVE FOUGHT SERIOUSLY FROM YEARS AGO! THEN IT WOULD HAVE BEEN WAY EASIER!

...

Help... Help her... Help... Help her... Don't be helpless... Help when you can, not when you expect something in return right away.

...

Before all that happened, I cleaned up the place, put good refreshing strawberry-kiwi smells in my room, etc... Completely ready to have that person here with me... Where am I right know? Sniffing all that alone...

As I left the airport with so much memories and false hopes, that was when I cried... As I drove off to the highways, that was when I cried so much to the point my eyes started to burn and I couldn't even see clearly except that the truck in front was big enough to guide me. But it wasn't enough for a long drive... I had to go to an exit and park at a random place to wipe out my tears but while wiping them off, I felt like throwing up... I was that sad, I was holding that much... I have been such a helpless failure... I have hurt someone too precious to hurt... Coincidentally, that person called and said... "I'll be escorted to the gate... I love you... bye"... I cried even more... My nose got blocked completely... The hopes of the moment I wanted to enjoy as planned, has failed... Fighting together and enjoying it because we are really together... Not happening... At least not too soon... I still drove off quickly, back to the highway, not even caring if I'd get a fatal accident... I drove with my mouth opened since it was the only way to breath, put the windows down and turned the radio volume low... It was playing sad love songs on every radio station... I'm so worried for her now about the fact that I'm no longer a current option for her to stay with... I feel like I don't deserve to sleep peacefully... I don't deserve to seek for fun to forget this pain... I don't deserve it... I deserve punishment... and my punishment is to FIGHT, alone, in here, in order to bring happiness and wealth to her. Her cries are the agony from my failure... It feels like I have done something terribly wrong, equal to an enormous crime, but that is not crime. The planes flying over Montreal North are now haunting me really badly... REAAAALLY badly... Please I don't want her to hate on this city... I love my city... Hate on an officer at airport or his crew / units instead. I know that the city is haunting our mind when we're the victims... But not once we're in the city completely as a Montrealer. Rules in Montreal is the same as anywhere in Canada when it comes to airports. But certain judgements are made by the officers... I plan to go to California as visitor and do our things and BRING HER BACK TOGETHER as visitors and FINISH our things here and go back to California together again but this time, just to finish our visitors two way deals. After all, we can get back one way, to Montreal, as a married couple. I gotta be there with her when it comes to travelling because we're always gonna be together no matter what.

More memories: The restaurant city moments... webcam moments... skype moments... the home design moments... more and more... I should stop crying, I should stop crying despite the feelings of having onions deep inside my nose... I SHOULD START FIGHTING! FOR THE LOVE OF MY LIFE! MY FUTURE SPOUSE!

SHIENAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nothing much...

2009-06-29T21:20:40Z

Nothing much at the moment. But I'll tell you on my next entries when there's something interesting.

For now, hmm.

Many weeks ago...

6:48AM of the first day when we were together all night until morning - How can I be missing her voice when I was sleeping like a baby. She was just right there with be. She was just right there beside me. She was sleeping with me... That was the main reason why I was sleeping like a baby. It's because I was with her all along. I had a very very good sleep. Just that... I felt like I haven't had enough of it... I wanted to stay longer... I wanted more... I was also really tired but I wanted to stay longer... I remember waking up by my own sudden sound of snoring. And I heard that adorable laugh of hers.

= = = = =

Lost data. *A lot of things have been deleted*

It's sad to see all my microphones stored in the closet. But I'll work hard to have them back to use again, only for one person, who else.

BURGER KING! DAAAAWG!

Oh yeah I've been eating a lot of Burger King's triple whoppers lately with fries and drinks. There was the "Transformer" prize thing on every drinks and fries cartons. Over 75% of the time, I get the prize from ONLY scratching the Megatron (Decepticons) side. Funny enough, I got all of them "Winner" all the time because sometimes I ripped the Optimus Prime (Autobots) part, leading me to having no way but to scratch that side... "WINNER!"... I was curious for once, I thought we would have a prize no matter which side we scratch so... I scratched both side to see and "Sorry... Better luck next time!"... Obviously, the luck was always by my side on this thing. Anyhow, I got sick of always getting the same prizes (French toast and "Croissandwich")... Nowadays, I only leave them on the table for any lucky one to take them.

= = = = =

Because the Devil offered me the power

At some point, there are moments where I want the world to die... But after meditation, I want to save the world...

I have these powers that I keep developping nonstop in general. The powers from knowledge, intelligence, art of assassin trainings, etc. I still don't know what I'd turn into in the future. Will I choose to be Dark or Hero? Or... a dark hero? We'll see in what kind of situation I'll end up in the future. Enjoying to see any lifeform on Earth suffering in chaos... or enjoying to save them from chaos. Or both?

Friends, family, love... help me to remain intact in one side for the rest of my life. All I need is you to believe in my importance on Earth. The impact I can bring.

I don't pray. I just meditate to clean off the evil thoughts that shouldn't fit in this world. I know that at the end, the final decision is always only made by myself. But I rely a lot on people I cherish, before having a final decision. I know that I'll have a big impact in societies. But what kind of impact? My ambition is high... At the moment, it is still in the positive... But it can always have a sudden change of direction and I may turn against the Earth. I know... "Tell me, why would you turn against the Earth?"... Oh welcome to my world, pal. I create chaos because that's how I reflect my life in the future. Anonymously, like a ghost. I will have power, I'll make use of it, good or bad, whatever it takes, I'll prove my power. Don't fuck with me. I'll have mercy, or NOT.

Just watch, lifeforms.

Update

2009-06-01T16:24:32Z

It's time to sleep , but I still want to write somthing here.� Tonight , finished my�oral enlgish test.�Feeling is bad since teacher asked a question about the history of one traditional festival. My brain was blank at that moment. I totally forgot that part of history. sign....Well , there is still somthing happy today. When Igot off� the subway,�I heard�someone�calling me ...haha,��my old friend in the college came to hug me directly. She�was so excited to meet me in subway�and�introduced me�to�her bf , " she is taozi tongxue, my�friend, you should meet her before , blah blah."��Unfortunately, I had to go to attend night class, otherwise, I would like to have a long talk with her . She becomes more beautiful now. It seems girls in love will be more beautiful.

Today is� children's day, so tommorrow is June 2nd...I cannot forget this date . Happy birthday , NPB,� my little brother.� Notice you are falling in love now... It's really good news. I guess you are more�handsome with power of love :P Have a nice birthday !�

The beginning of intensive days...

2009-05-28T21:00:03Z

6:30 AM - At house, breakfast in the morning, not feeling sleepy: Coffee yogurt, humpty dumpty ring chips, peanuts covered with wasabi and nesquick chocolate.

I woke up and washed my hair, ate breakfast, and here I am, typing in Wordpad and Notepad since I feel like wanting to start writing down how I feel, on my intense days.

I'm not used to wake up early although it was like this 5 months ago, just not as intense as now. 5 months ago was the moment when I was sleeping at 1 AM all the time since that was the most late I could ever sleep to not feel too tired later on in the day.

As I've met the best person ever in my life, until now, I feel like I'm gonna miss the moments so much, those moments where I was always sleeping so late in order to stay with her. I write this down even though I'm still gonna see that person every night (until she gets busy herself at night) and revive those moments during weekends. I write this down because of how much I'm still gonna miss those moments. Right before every sleep, I always hear the sound of skype closing communication. I always have to unlaze myself and I would usually close my laptop to put it on my computer chair before falling asleep very quickly. But before jumping back on my bed to fall asleep very quickly, I was always used to see the clock way passed 5 in the morning. On my last sleep, just before the sleep, hearing the usual skype noise as the last thing before every sleep made me feel sooo sad that time as I was not used to say good night so early to my love one... Especially when I just saw that it was 2:54 AM while I was placing my laptop on the chair... Usually, at that time, me and her would still be having fun talking together while we're both still fully awake. I'm gonna miss that moment so much... I miss her voice already even right after we said good night. I miss her already... So much... My pretty love.

7:15 AM - Heading to class.

Out of nowhere, I use the laptop in the public transport but no one cares hopefully, except my wallpaper which draws so much attention (the Audi R8 with few modifications). I've read something that didn't really give me much mood to walk forward... But I'm not gonna give up. I will definitely reply when I'll be at school for network.

8:45 AM - Class skipped, reply sent.

I already knew all the notions told in the class. I walked out of class and rather try to solve something important to my heart.

9:00 AM - Just as I wished...

I got the reply back right away and I became a happy young man.

My mood is getting back fine as I'm assured everything is alright. Phew! What I wanted to prove was revised and accepted. Hehe.

1:30 PM - Fast food!

McDonald again! And then I feel tired. Sleepy. Sleepy sleepy... I can sleep somewhere but where.

3:00 PM - Schedule?

Everyday except Wednesday afternoon, from 8 AM to 4-5 PM. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday after 5:30 PM, busy, until 10 PM.

That's the new change so far. There might be even better change later where I can have shorter schedules (which will make me happy).

= = =

Girlfriend with faith.

When I don't have anything too important to think of (such as works, notions, the nature calls, etc), I just keep having my love in my mind. She's my new life essence, the big source of motivation to lead my plan of future to success. She's officially the only person who makes me have such a strong feeling I've never had before. Even to the point I could have big fear and tears falling my eyes. Isn't that surprising for a guy known as "fearless" to finally be having a big fear? I can finally feel a strong love from someone. I can finally get to understand the one I love, since she's so open. It definitely makes me wanna return the favor to give my everything to her. I love her so much. I love you... Shiena.

ExKeDemonized - (Fiction into reality)

2009-05-23T10:55:20Z

As you guys know, I'm often standing by scientists side. But when they say that there are no other creatures who can be smarter than humans and none can be more "complete than humans" in every universe and dimension, I'm sorry but I can only hardly agree about that statement and I find it pretty arrogant of their part although I gotta have to admit something, I'm also pretty arrogant about my own belief myself. I believe there can be creatures with higher intelligence than us somewhere unreachable to us and our high-technology space tools and stuff. With intelligence so high, that's what makes the creatures deadlier, especially in terms of anihilations. Also their special powers. Their power can strike fast on Earth and spread on few secretful human beings often nicknamed as "Demons". Every demon has different level and unique abilities though.

Being a demon among a crowd of human beings is pretty fun. You're being an unique deadly creature with intimidating aura. Being unique makes you noticeable and it attracts quick attentions. People are scared of you and you feel good about it. But in a way, the disadvantage of being a powerful demon is when you wanna go incognito among humans. You're being easily spotted by gods and angels who only have clean souls. Those with pure clean souls can easily spot the very intimidating demon.

Where does this power of devil come from, when I'm fully possessed and unconscious because of a too high level of anger that my human body cannot even support? There's a devil soul in me somewhere that even angels have given me the power to keep it sealed in this human looking body long enough until it dies. But full anger is my weakness, letting this show up again to the surface only when I'm fully provoked. I do not take human souls in order to become a deadlier demon. When I see one innocent dead corpse with its lost soul flying around in the air, I just guide it to a peaceful place of the world. When I see one unpured soul coming from a dead corpse full of sin, I just throw that soul into the "garbage of hell". Every soul collected will all be recycled into a source of evil and dark power that can only be borrowed by the devil soul. That's where the power of devil comes from, when his soul comes to surface. It's his essence of strength. The power that even 100 humans have no match against. I'm just another type of "thing" that has to manage the devil force and the good force. I'm just an average human who got familiar with unwanted powers.

I'm not born with any belief. Humans and angels themselves made me develop my own belief by the time. The devil only kept quiet and made every single devilish actions without speaking a single word. In the meantime, I'm still just a demon who would even rebel against his own demon world where he came from, just to make some changes in this world, secretly. I'm a demon who won't provoke any chaos to happen, but would love to participate in a very chaotic world.

What's the pride of being a special rebel demon? I believe rebels are everywhere. I may have scary dark sides but for good main intention. Sometimes it takes two negatives to bring up the positives and I intend to sacrifice myself for that. I'm ready for chaotic world as long as I'm under no one's order.